I wonder if the LSD is coming on because I am suddenly feeling out of my mind

riding on a motorcycle
or a motorized skateboard
through an apocalyptic landscape
pollution tornados
eroded hills and cliffs
riding over a narrow arch
thousands of feet
to fall on either side
traffic and cars and trucks
ending up on a green
residential street
in Austin
old neighborhoods
lots of teenaged kids
college kids
a house that belongs to SS
he shows me a plate
with a pile of cocaine
and a fake book
or candy bar
that is made our of LSD
or a form of edible opium
then he goes away
leaving me with the drugs
I do a little of the coke
and a tiny sliver of the book
cake candy bar of LSD
then all of his relatives show up
weird dream relatives
it is a family situation
the front door is open
SS is there
worried that I have
done all of his drugs
I reassure him
showing him the small line
of coke I did
but the plate gets jostled
and some of the coke falls
I then tell him
I did a sliver of the LSD cake
he gets upset
and says I should not have done that
meanwhile
there are strange kids
young gangster types
coming in the front door
like they are looking to buy drugs
I try to protect SS
But he is oblivious
sitting in a chair crying
I walk outside
it is night
there are a lot of people
wandering around
the street
A group of kids
is coming to steal SS's drugs
I try to stop them
they ignore me
acting like I don't understand
I wonder
if the LSD is coming on
because I am suddenly feeling
out of my mind

Dancing in insane spasms calling upon the gods

waiting with a group of men
at a hotel
near an airport
or in a strange city
as if a flight
was delayed
feels like a disaster happened
somewhere else
basic service are shut down
movie stereotypes
the snarky cynical guy
the handsome leading man
the nervous family man
and others with no faces
it is s form of dis-ease
or a spell or curse
but when it hits you
you instantly vaporize
leaving only a skeletal left hand
but it is not made of bone
it is kind of cut tin
flat and black
we are all engaged
in strange superstitious rituals
to ward off the dis-ease
I am paired with the leading man
the other two
go off on their own
we suspect
they are plotting against us
in the hotel lobby
I catch the cynical guy
in a bird outfit
like a shaman
dancing in insane spasms
calling upon the gods
or the spirits
it is so unsettle
that I wake up

A freakish figure in a wheelchair rolls by the table

an old Bellingham friend
AH is at Temple Bar
I am sitting at a table
by myself
and she stops by to say hello
but it is awkward
she appears much older
more emaciated and weakened
than when I last saw her
I am concerned
about her appearance
but say nothing
another friend and co-worker
KVS comes up to me
and accuses me of a crime
I cannot remember
sitting at a nearby table
I see an older friend from Austin
PXN
he is working on a laptop
writing code
he is happy to see me
and is excited about his work
while all of this is going on
a freakish figure
in a wheelchair
rolls by the table
PXN sees him
but ignores him
he goes away
but returns again soon
he looks like the figure of Death
from a Holbien woodcut
David Lee Roth
is sitting in the corner
with a hat and sunglasses
trying to be incognito
the Temple Bar
is more like Ruby's now

there is a shift
and I driving with TW
a friend from up here in Maine
we park on a fire station parking lot
his truck is full of houseplants
we go away
and when we return
a fireman is writing a ticket
says we can't ever park
in the fire station lot
TW tries to talk him out of it

another shift
I am with ASF and his son
there is a man
who has these complex
hard chocolate toys
they are for dogs
he makes them by
pooping them out
he is surprised
that no one
wants to touch his toys
and that his dog
does not want to eat them

That arcing splotch of sticky white goo

in a living room with JGM
I am working on my laptop
in a chair in the corner
she is across the room from me
I am also watching a big screen
with a lot of high tech gauges
JGM and I are talking
I set my laptop down
beside the chair
go off and do something
when I come back
there is a dull white wax
all over the keyboard and screen
there is also a lot of wax
on the big screen
I am upset
I cannot figure out
how this happened
JGM is not concerned
for a minute
I think she had something
to do with it
but then I see a small candle
beside the chair
it's the only explanation
somehow the candle spilled wax
all over the laptop
I must have knocked
the laptop against it
and then unknowingly
slung it over the big screen
I have no idea
how I am going to get it off
adding to my frustration
is that the wax has ruined
the newness of the laptop
I know that even if I find some way
to peel it off
there will still be traces
that will always remain
that arcing splotch of sticky white goo
will always remain
however ghostly
upon the laptop

A monster we were not previously aware of that has awoken

in a house
at Inwood
staying as a guest
another man is there
staying in another room
perhaps Lawrence
almost as if we are servants
of workers
Lawrence has upset another worker
in another part of the house
he acts like it is nothing
but I can see he is worried
there is a noise
like a manhole cover being moved
a huge structural part
of the house / prison / hotel
being opened
torn apart
the sense there is a monster
we were not previously aware of
that has awoken
is coming to get us

I realize I can see love inside of his eyes now

in Austin
on campus
hot white summer day
walking around the buildings
the run along MLK
there is a house
a rental house
that Jerry is staying in
I go in through the back door
I am quiet
not sure if Jerry is home
I realize he is sleeping
I know that Aanya and Cricket
old dogs from my childhood
long dead
are there
and he is taking care of them
I know he has been gone
for a long time
and I wonder
how the dogs are doing
I can hear him
sleeping in the bedroom
the door is partly open
suddenly Aanya comes running up
and is excited to see me
I never really liked the dog
and felt bad about that
I am surprised at
how happy I am to see Aanya
I wonder about the cataracts
Aanya was nearly blind
and see her eyes
are like clear black marbles
with no fogginess at all
and I am so happy for him
as I am petting him
and laughing
I realize I can see love
inside of his eyes now

The Cow Parable: A well known story that I can look up after I wake up

my sister is driving
me and another girl
a friend of hers
around Austin
old Austin
but are different
she is taking a short cut
through a parking lot
of a closed business
abandoned
up around 29th street
me and the friend
are laughing
at how crazy she is
to be going this way
around the corner
in the little strip shopping center
where Conan's Vulcan
Straight Music
the porn theater
and Oat Willies
all used to be
I am in the parking lot
with the FringeWare crew
they are lined up
as if for a military inspection
we are all laughing
Justin says
I should tell them
the Zen parable
about the cow and hope
I know this is a clever parable
that needs to be told
 in a particular way
or the punchline is ruined
but I can't remember
exactly how to tell it
the scene shifts
to my grandfather's garage
at the old house on Inwood
in Dallas
I am there with FringeWare guys
my sister and the other girl
two workers are in the garage
from Otter Point
they are using lots of rope
I had left some of my own rope
which I need now
to work on my own project
perhaps the telling of the cow parable
but I can't find it
I ask them if
they accidentally
took my rope
they say no
one of them is
Jon Hamm from Mad Men
they are taking braided rope
and unbraiding them
to use the strands
in whatever project
they are working on
I only need a few strands
I think about taking theirs
but realize it would be wrong
even though they wouldn't care
then I find my rope
but they have taken it
and it is tied to a
block and tackle system
and I do not take it
I am trying to figure out
how to attach something
to the back of the car
I keep thinking about
the parable of the cow
that has to do with hope
I can barely remember it
in the dream
but I feel like
if I just start telling it
the rest will come
it feels like it is
a famous story
that I can look up
after I wake up

this alerts me to the dream
and in a half conscious state
I try to remember the parable
but can only think
about the heroic pig joke
where the traveling salesman
is at the farmer's dinner table
and there is a pig
with one leg missing
eating at the table with them
salesman asks
what's with the pig?
farmer says
that pig saved Suzy from the fire
then saved Bobby in the well
salesman says
so how did it lose its leg
farmers says
a pig that special
you don't want to eat all at once
and I think this is the cow parable
the cow is hope
a cow that special
you don't want to eat all at once

I really don't know why I went in to the Hole in the first place

in Austin
around the Hole in the Wall
and the Showdown
Bellingham people there also
sees as if I am talking to JGM
in the dream
I am telling her a story
feels like I am embellishing
about walking behind he Hole
and sensing the presence of Lawrence's ghost
almost feels like
he is going to step out of the shadows
I say to her
when the truth is
that when I walked passed
those dark places
there was nothing
I thought of him
but there was no presence
in front of the Hole
in the daytime
summer
a crowd gathered in front
DR is there
she is working tonight
but is also waiting to go in
Someone mentions
that SG from Bellingham is there
I am standing next to a bus stop
there is an advertisement
a photograph of a woman
someone point it out to me
then points her out
there in crowd
the woman walks over
smiles in acknowledgment
I tell her
that's good likeness
I go into the Hole
a crowd of people
I don't know
lots of young kids
grade school
like a YMCA camp
I see SG at a table
with other Bellingham people
I think they will all
be surprised to see me
and will make a thing of it
but no one gets up
SG gives me a nod
no one really cares
if I am here or not
I really don't know
why I went in to the Hole
in the first place

I feel helpless in the face of it and hear my grandfather laughing still

along the oceanside
seems my grandfather was there
mother and friends
sitting at table close to the surf
an open air place
but we are inside
there is an open window
behind my grandfather and friends
I can see the ocean behind them
there is no glass of window frame
the interior is a sea green
the table before us
is loaded down with food
a summer breakfast
as my grandfather is talking
I watch the waves come in
I see the blue of a waves rising
higher and higher
and I realize it is going to crash
into the room
I warn my grandfather
he just laughs
and the wave splatters into the room
only slightly and delightfully
everyone laughs
but I can see the coming swells
are bigger and bluer and higher
the next swell builds
and rises up in the frame of the window
and the wave crashes into the room
soaking everyone
knocking things off the table
now there is concern
but still laughter
no one is taking this seriously
as they all comment
on how unusual that was
I see the next swell coming
an enormous wave
much larger than the earlier ones
I realize this wave will
destroy the building
and overwhelm all of us
I watch as the water rises
out of the frame of the window
now entirely a deep blue
like a painting on the wall
I can hear a thunder
like a train rumbling along
the tracks at a terrible speed
I feel helpless in the face of it
and hear my grandfather laughing still

I know they are coming up here to try to kill us

in an old house
with my mother
she is cleaning
organizing
the house is old and rotting
walls painted white
paint flaking
there are a lot of wasps outside
summer day hot
we are in the hall
she is poking around the wood
says she thinks the wasps
are in the walls
she pokes through the wall
wasps begin to pour out
we run into a bathroom
wasps flying all around
but not stinging us
we stuff towels under the door
still more wasps are getting in
they are inside
all of the walls of the house
poring out of vents and sinks
the entire house is a wasp nest

later with JM and my mother
strange house in a new city
old house on a hill
we are renovating it
JM leaves to get supplies
on a bicycle
returns quickly
says there are some weird people
camped out down the street
at the bottom of the hill
I go up onto a tower
overlooking the street
I can see them
they are watching me
yelling threats
I yell back
antagonizing them
I realize they are cannibals
my mother is upset
that I've antagonized them
I look for them
and they are gone
and I know they are coming up here
to try to kill us

It feels so good amidst all the horror I don't care

in a car on the highway
lawrence is driving
on the loop around a city
surreal building structures
impossible rizzoli buildings
then a mushroom cloud
with psychedelic fractal paisleys
it is hypnotic mesmerizing
multicolored to the point of obscenity
all throbbing as the mushroom cloud rises
I cannot take my eyes from it
I say to lawrence
fuck it it's all over
he is driving calmly
steering around the wrecks
of other cars
from seeing the explosion
this is just the beginning
he says
totally relaxed
the explosion has destroyed
the base of one of the tall buildings
a deco oz structure
the main tower is collapsing
in slow motion
seems as if it will fall on us
lawrence is unconcerned
he takes my hand
and sucks on my fingers
his eyes like a cartoon deer
all al black and shining
long curved lashes
watching me lovingly
as he takes another finger
into his mouth
it is disconcerting and disturbing
but pleasurable
I do not pull away
the psychedelic mushroom cloud
continues to rivet my attention
lawrence is no longer watching the road
just continuing to lick my fingers
it feels so good amidst all the horror
I don't care
I know we will die soon

Awakening gasping sweating in a moonlit field

war
a night world
black no starts
driving down impossible roadscapes
industrial canyons
escaping
seeking shelter
watching as the machines
fire bullet seeding bullets
bomb seeking bombs
millions upon millions
of dark objects
falling through the sky
orienting and flying off
to explode in bullet holding
or bomb holding hands
apartments houses offices
explosions everywhere
everything like a movie
the AI attack the enemy
the defined enemy
programmed to think on their own
to win the war
the AI attack human beings
there is no escape

awakening
gasping
sweating
in a moonlit field
behind my sister's house
in Northern Washington

A realization of powers I didn't know I possessed

in Austin
near the corner of Guadalupe and MLK
the bank that was there
was torn down
a world war 1
trench style field
was all that remained
I am running with VP
she is leading
it is night
she is calling me to keep up
we jump into a trench
there is a girl there
crack addict goth
VP has a meth pipe
I am surprised
she never smoked meth or crack
she is smoking
long white tubes of crack
the goth crack girl
is watching hungrily
but she's been paid
I am waiting for my turn
VP passes the hot pipe to me
tells me to do a second hit
but I want the first hit
off a cool pipe
she brings up another pipe
and then loads up
the white stringlike crack
and smokes it herself
my pipe is still too hot to hit
she hits hers a second time
I am getting angry and frustrated

the scene shits
still in the same bombed out lot
but in a room
laying in a bed
perhaps hiding
of squatting
not wanting attention
next to a garage
there is a large portion of the wall
that has fallen away
a car pulls up
I see the door open
legs stand next to the opening
then walk away
the car pulls away
now there is a face
in the distance
a face that was hiding in the rubble
it is distorted
similar to Pennywise the clown
but without make-up
the figure is on all fours
and moves oddly
like a crab
it sees me watching it
rapidly moves to the opening
I tell it to not come inside
it teases me
threatening to come in
there is a sick lion with it
walking around like a hungry dog
but clearly it is sick
and another man
sort of a zombie stooge
I swing the broken handle of a broom
at the taunting figure
it leaps away
but I know now I will have to kill
the lion the stooge and the clown
there is a broken slab of concrete
with rebar sticking out of it
I jump out of the room
and hit the sick lion
then lift it up onto the rebar
impaling it
then turn quickly
and slam the stooge
who is now also the clown
into the rebar also
impaling him
there is a sense of relief
but also a realization
of powers I didn't know I possessed

I am concerned we will miss our turn

driving through a university campus
perhaps SMU in Dallas
with LB
and old friend and fiancee
I am familiar
with all of the turns
and twists
it takes to get across campus
but she is not
although I think
she should be
I am directing her
as she is driving
she keeps making the wrong turns
and we are laughing about it
finally we are on the other side
driving down a wide street
in a nice Dallas neighborhood
she is saying she wants sex
there was another part of the dream
where she told me
about masturbating to a book
filled with photographs of cowboys
of these stylized images of cowboys
used in advertising in the 1950s
jokingly now
I tell her she should've brought
her cowboy book
but that I will help her out
she stands in the seat
and stands with her legs apart
I lift up her skirt
she is shaved clean
I begin to play with her
as she drives
everyone that passes us
coming from the other direction
can see what I am doing
she is laughing
and on the verge of orgasm
I am watching her
and watching the road
as she seems
to not be paying attention
again
I am concerned
we will miss our turn

With no comprehension of why he is here

jerry and I in a hospital world
but vast huge spaces
crowds of people
something of the university
he needs help still
but it allowed a lot of autonomy
most of the people
are not paying attention to him
this worries me
every one else has a model
that they are working on
similar to those kits
I had as a kid
plane and cars and monsters
that redolent glue
we are waiting in line
to ask for a model
a group of young girls
are also there
talking and butting in front of us
jerry is already defeated
I tell them we were here first
they laugh and mock me
laugh at jerry and mock him
I can see this upsets him
fuck it
we don't need the model
the girls are still laughing at us
as I walk away
we go outside
it is lightly raining
streets with puddles
I am on a motorcycle
Jerry is running to keep up
I realize this is crazy
and tell him to get on back
then he has his own car
I tell him he need to park
and ride with me
he pulls into a space
in front of a closed bank
his car has an awkward convertible top
he is trying to pull it up
a woman in the car next to him
gets out and walks
right through the middle
of the convertible top
jerry had to wait for her to pass
I am angry at how inconsiderate she is
but say nothing
there's no use
it is all sad and useless
jerry manages to halfway pull
the contraption over his car
I realize he probably
will never drive a car again
and he stands there
in the rain
looking at me
with no comprehension
of why he is here

Unless I am willing to pay them some money

a catering gig with jennifer
we in a grocery store
heb in austin
we bought blueberries
somewhere else
and are storing them
in reach in
similar to the ones
we once used to chill glasses
at the Showdown
we know this is
against store policies
but are hoping
just to get away with it
jennifer has an old display rack
for water
she is carrying it awkwardly
taking it outside to the car
I am watching over
the blueberries
other shoppers
are opening the doors
looking over our blueberries
jennifer keeps calling a woman
kathleen
about a meeting
to deliver the blueberries
and the other supplies
she hands me the phone
i call her again
an answering machine picks up
a man's irritate voice
with a message about
if you are calling kathleen
please stop
but if you are calling for scott
leave a message
we need to reschedule
our meeting with kathleen
but cannot get ahold of her
there are two men
pulling out our blueberries
I go over and ask
what they are doing
thinking they are shoppers
they are employees
two hippies
not in any uniform
ask me if there are mine
I say they
we are just storing them here
temporarily
they tell me I cannot do that
unless I am willing
to pay them some money

Until their children hatch and feast upon my flesh

mosquitos in the closet where I sleep
dreams of cockroaches and bugs
underneath my pallet
the insects have hollowed out the floor
like an ant colony
chambes and passageways
as long as I keep my feet
from hanging over the edge
of my pallet
I am protected
but when I relax
and my foot extends too far
I can feel their antennae
and legs probing my skin
for edibility
or if they can use my body
to extend their colony
chewing tunnels
into me as I sleep
and setting up breeding chambers
inside of my bowels
penetrating into my skull
to take control of my thinking
turning me into a zombie
keeping me alive
but paralyzed until
their children hatch
and feast upon my flesh

No one can see the whole of the piece except me

a concert for music
that I've written
dozens of singers and musicians
on a stage
I am arranging
where they each need to stand
a sheet of paper
indicating 81 parts
divided into 3 sections
I ask single musicians
to perform short pieces
then groups of singers
we are in a vast concert hall
crowds of workers
are moving about
whispering in the auditorium
behind me
what is clear to me
and what is frustrating to me
is that no one
can see the whole of the piece
except me

It doesn't seem as if he is holding anything at all

a close out sale
at a shop
almost a convenience store
people putting aside
pile of things they want
asking for deals
a square counter area
in the middle of the room
customers are in the square
looking under shelves
poking around
I'm watching them
making sure
they don't take that isn't for sale
a man is arguing with me
about the value
of something in his hands
I don't recognize it
it doesn't seem as if
he is holding anything at all

Capturing the Minotaur

what is it about some dreams
when immediately after opening your eyes
this world once so solid
and so real
a world filled with people
and such involved drama
how can such a world
instantly turn to fog
and vanish into thin air?

"More strange than true. I never may believe
These antique fables nor these fairy toys.
Lovers and madmen have such seething brains,
Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend
More than cool reason ever comprehends.
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet
Are of imagination all compact.
One sees more devils than vast hell can hold—
That is the madman. The lover, all as frantic,
Sees Helen’s beauty in a brow of Egypt.
The poet’s eye, in fine frenzy rolling,
Doth glance from heaven to Earth, from Earth to heaven.
And as imagination bodies forth
The forms of things unknown, the poet’s pen
Turns them to shapes and gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name.
Such tricks hath strong imagination,
That if it would but apprehend some joy,
It comprehends some bringer of that joy.
Or in the night, imagining some fear,
How easy is a bush supposed a bear!"
W.S. MSND

then how easy is it for that bear to disappear
and as the mind chases after it
the entire world around it also disappears
until there is only the stark reality
of the bed you have awoken to
the grey light
the same dull world
that surrounds you every day?

but then
there are other dreams
that cling to you
as you rise out the murky seas
starfish and barnacles
that ride back attached
and reluctant to remove themselves
often they are utterly ordinary
fragments of a larger
dream narrative
more often
that rich and interwoven narrative
is left behind
and all that remains
is the objective correlative
of the sad hermit crab
searching for a new shell

last night's dream
took place in a restuarant
not one that I remember
from my life
but familiar
I was a customer
but knew the staff
mostly women
all younger
and happily bantering
amongst each other
a man had come in the back door
and was causing trouble
he seemed drunk
confused
but was aggressive
and asking for money
the girls convinced him
to wait in the office
they came to me
and told me about their problem
I walked into the back
we were scrambling for a weapon
the man was yelling
and I wanted to be able
to defend myself
the back area
was like a labyrinth
which the women knew well
but by the time we arrived
in the storeroom
where I hoped to find a weapon
I was completely disoriented
the halls were narrow
and lined with cheap
wood paneling
corkboards overfilled with notices
photographs
stickers
jokes
and letters
cheaply framed photos
lined the walls
as we walked past
a massive wooden walk-in door
we heard the man yelling
from inside
the women were scared
and I realized
all I needed to do
was to pull down
a heavy metal bar
like those on an ice house
that would seal the man inside
I quickly fumbled with the bar
locking the man inside
he realized he was trapped
and increased his furious yelling
the girls were laughing
and taunting him

The dreams we deemed worthy of remembrance

vague fragments
a processing center
a rendering factory
where my dreams
were being evaluated
edited
amped up
for increased
memorability
I would dream
for a while
like a scuba diver
going down
to touch bottom
dream for a while
then I would come back
to the surface
and stand around
with the group
discussing the merits
and problems
with the dream
always a sense
of choosing what to keep
and what to discared
what to remember
for when I would later
write it down here
and what I could
without any great loss
forget
the problem is
that now I only remember
this editing
evaluating process
and nothing at all
of the dreams
we deemed
worthy of remembrance

I have a move that can free me from the game

fragmentary images
a castle or a space ship
corridors and lab rooms
anxiety over being found out
searching for a Prospero type
associations with Star Wars
and science fiction
the dreamer is aware of the dream
the sorcerer is conjuring the drama
for reasons beyond our comprehension
searching through rooms
and subrooms
layers of basements
levels of reality
moving towards a foundation
Malkhut
does not emanate from God directly
but from God's creation
suddenly entering into the temenos
the god is surpised
the dream reality
amps up into higher resolution
the god is holding
the Tree of Life
the Sephirot spinning around
like planets in an orbit
jewels on a chandalier
arcing paths of light
weaving through each other's influence
the god watches me
with casual indifference
amused I have found him
certain I will forget
the value and meaning
of the enoounter
the Sephirot orbit
I recite a spell
something like C3PO
he lightly responds with D4QP
it sounds as if it spells a word
every spell I say
he easily advances it
like playing chess
with the Grand Master
every action antipated
until I realize
I have a move
that can free me from the game
and I awaken

She is horrified that I would think that

I am with Jerry
he is homeless
sort of a Lawrence figure
known around town as an affable presence
we are driving around
talking and catching up
he still seems like he has dementia
but is still functional
we drive into a university complex
around a series of large dorms in towers
there is a place in back
where Jerry says he sleeps
I am worried about him
so I get out and accompany him
he says he wants to watch TV
goes into a common area
and tries to remove the public TV
from the wall
I tell him to stop
that they will think he is stealing the TV
he says he is stealing it
as he disconnects the wires
and unplugs it
there are a lot of students around
who are watching him
but not doing anything
Jerry tells me not to worry
he does this all the time
when he wants to watch TV


earlier:
SH from Dallas
is waiting for her son
to get out of school
is showing me where he sits
in the front seat of her car
she has rigged up
two cutting boards
in the passenger seat
one on the dash
and one on the seatback
I ask her if they are safe
and she laughs
says of course not
but that is what make him happy
I tell her
the cutting boards
seem like a gruesome metaphor
for what might happen
if he got in an accident
and she is horrified
that I would think that

"The trees are green and its leaves are fluttering in the wind"

a mixture of Austin and Bellingham
with M&K
and a group of friends
wandering through an entertainment area
sitting at an outside bar
DC from Bellingham
sits next to MM from Austin
to remind her
to be aware
of how much she is drinking
PR from Bellingham
is irritated
asking who D is
and why he is there
I explain the situation to him
he still is annoyed
PR goes off to work
he drives an Uber
the next day
 M and I cannot find a ride
M's car is in the shop
I go to the shop to look for her
she is in a crowded waiting room
lots of women with babies
I think
she is sitting there
buried under a dozen crying babies
which seems something
she would do
but it is not her
find her outside
she is hungover and irritable
K is working on her car
PR shows up
asking if I need a ride
and asking where DC is
since clearly M needs a ride
he seems as if he wants DC's job
we find K
who is working under the hood
M's car is an old Ford pickup
placed inside another old car
PR is amazed by this
but his car seems the same
an old car inside of an old car
K is busy fixing the car
busy but polite
he gets it working
now M is nowhere around
he goes to look for her
PR offers to give me a ride
I tell him
I'm good
that I will walk
but he thinks
I am waiting for a ride
from DC
which I am not
the day is extraordinary
in its ordinary beauty

"the trees are green
and its leaves
are fluttering
in the wind"

I say this like a magical spell
repeating it
ignoring the odd look from PR
as if
by saying it over and over
I will
fix the beauty of the morning
into memory

Either too small and ineffective or too large to lift up

in a place similar
to the room on 53rd
JGM is there with me
I find a pack
hidden under the back door
now the house
is built on the side of a hill
lots of wood support beams
under the porch
I tell JGM
I know someone
is out crashing
in the garage
I try to throw the pack
out of back door
to make a loud noise
but it lands
in the grass with no noise
JGM is standing in the door
watching me
I am looking for a piece of wood
to slam against the side of the garage
anything to protect myself
and scare the person crashing in there
but I can find nothing
as I get closer to the garage door
I can see smoke coming out
as if they are smoking pot in there
this angers me
I hear the voices of several people
I am wondering if this is dangerous
I find a large stump
I throw it against the door
but it doesn't make much impression
I can tell whomever is inside
knows I am outside
they are coming out
I keep searching for a weapon
everything I find
is either too small and ineffective
or too large to lift up

Now the food is cold and the wine is warm

at a taco stand
picking up lunch
for JGM and myself
J is not there
is on her way
standing in line
bantering with the people
in the trailer
three girls are chattering
flirting with me
I ask the woman
in the trailer
how much the white wine costs
she tells me
it's a dollar a cup
I say I could buy
the whole place a round
the girls laugh
I see JGM pass by
she nods at me
smiles and moves on
I get the food to go
and two plastic cups
of white wine
which I carry
with my fingers
inside the cups
I go to an old bookstore
no longer any books there
a drug dealer
from the Hole is there
he asks me to get some wood
I find a few 2x4s
but they are too long
I try to break them in half
by postitioning them
against the brick wall
but can't do it
the drug dealer
says it doesn't matter
and I am thinking
about all the time
I have wasted
trying to help him
and now the food is cold
and the wine is warm

later
I am at
the final europa bookstore space
on guadalupe
the door is open
and books are on the shelves
but no one is around
I go to where the bathroom
used to be
but it is an empty room
with sealed off fixtures
I walk around
to the back of the space
there is a new office room
I can see LB
working on his computer
he doesn't see me
I return to the front
and realize
it no longer matters
if anyone were to steal
any of these books

The shoe with the open toe and the hole in the sole

up in the sky
there with my mother
my sister and others
complicated family drama
accusations of elitism
my mother is laughing
has a U shaped device
a gun or disabling weapon
lays on her back
as if she were in a boat
floating above the clouds
points the U gun up to the sky
but the U makes the projectiles
shoot down to earth
she takes aim at a wealthy man
archetypal Mr Monopoly
top hat and tails with cane
when he is shot
there is a dimensional explosion
as if the world were black and white
and erupted into color
but the world is color
and it erupts in a higher value of forms
the wealthy man is transformed
into a bum
same wardrobe only beaten down
but he is much happier now
I recognize my grandfather
or one of his brothers
also the tramp statue
at my grandparent's house
the bum on the park bench
with a loaf of bread
feeding the birds
a benevolent Franciscan smile
the shoe with the open toe
and the hole in the sole

I wonder for a moment where that woman went

in Austin
the house
not known to me
of a woman I used to love
walk in
to the kitchen
guy from B'Ham there
washing dishes
was never really friends
with him
he tells me
one hand on my shoulder
friendly like
he fucked my ex
it bothers me
but I don't act like it does
she comes home
surprised to see me there
avoiding me
her son is there
I am a ghost to them
she is unloading groceries
I am out back
there is a shed
or a storage locker
I am trying to unlock
the lock is intricate
doesn't use a key
some elaborate combination
I am unable to figure it out
she comes out
asks what I am doing
clearly doesn't want me there
it seems important
to get the lock open
some lucid dreaming here
to get the lock open
before the dream ends
she laughs at me
says I'll never unlock it
that it's what I deserve
I have to agree
but I don't say anything to her
I understand she's just a distraction
created by the dream
to keep me from working
on the lock
I ignore her
the lock
is a sphere
a compass
with an elaborate sextant
a gyroscope
gears within gears
and I realize
I am suddenly
inside the lock
I wonder
for a moment
where that woman went
and I lose it all
the dream dissolves
and I awake

Situation with this idiotic woman

on a boat
with a couple
I knew from Bellingham
the husband and I
are on the boat
touring around a bay
rocky cliffs
with a stretch of beach
the wife is on
a strange motorized surfboard
that glides underwater
I am surprised at her agility
she is using a device
that allows her to see underwater
and take photos
it is entirely white
looks military
nautical
we are watching her
from the boat
as she effortlessly glides
close to the rocky cliffs
and around rocks
all while she is
using the underwater viewer


Earlier:

I was in
a junky convenience store
plastic booths
plastic everything
uncleaned areas
trash
I sitting at a booth
watching TV
mostly just wanting
to eat in peace
a woman comes up
feral face
unkempt appearance
asks if she can sit
on the other side of the booth
there are other open seats
I tell her
I would like to be alone
she starts to sit down
opposite of me
frustrated
I get up to move
I turn my back
for a moment
and my wallet and phone
are on the table
when I turn back
I notice quick movement
from the woman
my wallet is gone
I tell her
I know you just stole my wallet
she acts as if
she doesn't hear me
I ask her to give me my wallet
she ignores me
I know without a doubt
you have it
again no response
I am aware
I am dreaming
think
this is exasperating
I don't want to dream this
situation
with this idiotic woman
and I wake up

I’m laughing about those girls' question about the devil

waiting in a field
an abandoned amusement park
or the site of a bygone world's fair
preparing for a concert
working for the promoters
who seem old old friends
waiting for people to arrive
they are worried no one will show
finally
the crowds trickle in
but older
average people
lawn chairs and beet coolers
buckets of chicken potato salad
the Dallas summer blanket crowds
then I am on a pair of skis
magical skateboard like
moving with amazing ease
through all the people
milling about like cattle
I know others are watching me ski
over dry ground
down broken concrete steps
gliding past obstacles
around and through crowds
all with an inteoxicating freedom
an old friend from work
is around somewhere
frustrated on the ground
another former business associate
is there
I wave casually as I flash by
other people
I am no longer friends with
I can easily move uphill
tracing long graceful effortless arcs
through the dirt and leaves
over water
go up to the bathroom
walking with skis
awkward as an albatross
underneath bleachers
tile floors
a labyrinthine entrance
have to squeeze through
narrow openings
thinking all the old people
will have a hard time
getting back here
there’s only a place for men to pee
out in the open
men and women
milling about
some teenagers want to talk to me
I’m skiing slowly
around crowd
a few middle aged men
try to get in front of me
I’m able to easily
move around them
outside again
more people have shown up
I learn Mary F is here
but don’t see her
skiing around dead leaves
moving further away
from everyone
in another part
of the abandoned park
flooded with water
aquamarine like six flags
places designed for intentional flooding
tiles and submerged fountains
still skiing along below water
the young girls again
stop me want to talk
I am reluctant
say one of them wants to talk to me
I say later
say it’s a quick question
meanwhile an obnoxious
middle aged man is swimming below us
a creep looking at girls
underwater
they say one of them
wants to know what it’s like
to have sold your soul to Satan
I say it’s complex
says one of them
wants to
but is too shy to talk to me
are there any downsides?
I say
there are serious issues
with materialism and desire
they giggle
flirting
the creepy man surfaces
tells the girls
they are going somewhere else
I realize he’s their dad
I want to explain
I have no desire
for the girls
move away
in a junkyard area of the park
momentarily alarmed
that I’ve stepped out of my skis
but see them nearby
find a broken
electric guitar
the neck and fragments
of a yellow Bakelite body
fretboard is odd
frets increase closer to tuning pegs
the guitar is curved
like a sword
or the crescent moon
rainbow fractals
I wonder if it’s playable
thinking someone would buy it
since it was played at Woodstock
look around for more Woodstock memorabilia
keep checking on the skis
as if they are magic shoes
I’m laughing about
those girls' question
about the devil
wondering if I should’ve
answered differently

I will be utterly emptied of all of my dreams

down and out in Austin
wandering around the drag
working to gather enough money
for a cup of coffee
see an ad
we will pay
you for your dreams
similar to those ads
for blood or sperm
or to participate in a medical study
I figure
why not
head over to the place
near I35 and 29th
area around Star Seeds
the woman in front
has me fill out forms
tells me
we can only pay
for real dreams
deep sleep dreams
if you are unable
to go into a deep sleep state
then you will not be paid
takes me into a large dim room
low blue light
smell of tech
huge sound studio baffles
hang from the ceiling and walls
cool temp
there are about 50 beds
arranged in a circle
around a center of sophisticated computers
bundles of wires
run from the center
to each bed
IV bags hang over the beds
she takes me to an empty bed
tells me to lie down
places a crown of wet recptors
on my head
hooks up an IV
a light sedative
we cannot interfere with deep sleep
we need you to descend
into the deepest sleep
I lay down
than I am awake
I remember nothing
of my dreams
I feel as if I haven't slept at all
she tells me
that is normal
they have collected
my deep sleep dreams
and therefore
my brain believes
it never went to sleep
and gained none of the benefits
from deep sleep
she gives me some money
says I can come back in three days
but not sooner
I am very tired
wandering around town
in a daze
try to sleep
in the library
but it is as if
all my "sleep juice"
is gone
I return to the lab
after three restless days
go through the process again
again they collect all my dreams
after
I am more tired than before
I tell this to the woman
she recommends
I wait a while longer
to let my body
"regenerate the fluids
necessary for sleep"
it is similar to giving blood
she tells me
it takes a while
to rebuild your reserves
I feel so sleep depreived
I am hallucinating
dreaming while awake
but not the deep sleep dreams
I can lay down
close my eyes
but I can only rest
not truly sleep
I find out the company
sells my dreams
to wealthy clients
it is part of a new health regimine
the more deep sleep dreams
you have
the less likely it is
you will suffer from any
forms of dementia
and your own memory
will be strengthened
it is highly addictive however
more and more
wealthy clients pay
large sums of money
for the finest deep sleep dreams
it turns out my dreams
are excellent and the clients
are asking for more
when I return to the lab
the woman takes me into a private room
and tells me they can pay me more
for my dreams
there's a machine
similar to a high level
floatation tank
she tells me
this is a much finer
collection device
I am so tired
from not having had any dreams
that I agree
she helps me into the tank
I am aware
I will be utterly emptied
of all of my dreams
and wonder
if it is all worth it