And I seem dead to myself

a party
gathering
at a young woman's house
her parent's house
while they are away
upper class
elegant furnishings
a sense of chaos
within me
as if I am cultivating
being out of control
breaking glasses
laughing through it
at one point
I am given a kind of harnessed
remote control system
to pick the video
or adjust the audio
a device to participate
in a fully immersive
online game
all I want to do
is to change the music
I am on the nice living room
on the overstuffed couch
figuring it out
the rest of the group
are on the kitchen bar
drinking and laughing
a young boy comes in
spoiled overprivileged kid
shows me how to use to harness
but I am not interested
in putting it on
seems designed
for a small child anyway
a woman from Bellingham
comes in with her dog
I am happy to see
a down to earth
unprestentious face
she is friends with
the young woman
who lives here
there is a sense of being set up
like an arranged date
I remember a hedge
of green hollys
deep vermillion
waxy leaves
and cut grass
in the summer air
looking down
on distant memories
swimming at night
in chlorinated pools
water on skin
and I seem dead
to myself