Friday, May 11, 2018

I have a move that can free me from the game

fragmentary images
a castle or a space ship
corridors and lab rooms
anxiety over being found out
searching for a Prospero type
associations with Star Wars
and science fiction
the dreamer is aware of the dream
the sorcerer is conjuring the drama
for reasons beyond our comprehension
searching through rooms
and subrooms
layers of basements
levels of reality
moving towards a foundation
does not emanate from God directly
but from God's creation
suddenly entering into the temenos
the god is surpised
the dream reality
amps up into higher resolution
the god is holding
the Tree of Life
the Sephirot spinning around
like planets in an orbit
jewels on a chandalier
arcing paths of light
weaving through each other's influence
the god watches me
with casual indifference
amused I have found him
certain I will forget
the value and meaning
of the enoounter
the Sephirot orbit
I recite a spell
something like C3PO
he lightly responds with D4QP
it sounds as if it spells a word
every spell I say
he easily advances it
like playing chess
with the Grand Master
every action antipated
until I realize
I have a move
that can free me from the game
and I awaken

Thursday, May 10, 2018

She is horrified that I would think that

I am with Jerry
he is homeless
sort of a Lawrence figure
known around town as an affable presence
we are driving around
talking and catching up
he still seems like he has dementia
but is still functional
we drive into a university complex
around a series of large dorms in towers
there is a place in back
where Jerry says he sleeps
I am worried about him
so I get out and accompany him
he says he wants to watch TV
goes into a common area
and tries to remove the public TV
from the wall
I tell him to stop
that they will think he is stealing the TV
he says he is stealing it
as he disconnects the wires
and unplugs it
there are a lot of students around
who are watching him
but not doing anything
Jerry tells me not to worry
he does this all the time
when he wants to watch TV

SH from Dallas
is waiting for her son
to get out of school
is showing me where he sits
in the front seat of her car
she has rigged up
two cutting boards
in the passenger seat
one on the dash
and one on the seatback
I ask her if they are safe
and she laughs
says of course not
but that is what make him happy
I tell her
the cutting boards
seem like a gruesome metaphor
for what might happen
if he got in an accident
and she is horrified
that I would think that

Friday, May 4, 2018

"The trees are green and its leaves are fluttering in the wind"

a mixture of Austin and Bellingham
with M&K
and a group of friends
wandering through an entertainment area
sitting at an outside bar
DC from Bellingham
sits next to MM from Austin
to remind her
to be aware
of how much she is drinking
PR from Bellingham
is irritated
asking who D is
and why he is there
I explain the situation to him
he still is annoyed
PR goes off to work
he drives an Uber
the next day
 M and I cannot find a ride
M's car is in the shop
I go to the shop to look for her
she is in a crowded waiting room
lots of women with babies
I think
she is sitting there
buried under a dozen crying babies
which seems something
she would do
but it is not her
find her outside
she is hungover and irritable
K is working on her car
PR shows up
asking if I need a ride
and asking where DC is
since clearly M needs a ride
he seems as if he wants DC's job
we find K
who is working under the hood
M's car is an old Ford pickup
placed inside another old car
PR is amazed by this
but his car seems the same
an old car inside of an old car
K is busy fixing the car
busy but polite
he gets it working
now M is nowhere around
he goes to look for her
PR offers to give me a ride
I tell him
I'm good
that I will walk
but he thinks
I am waiting for a ride
from DC
which I am not
the day is extraordinary
in its ordinary beauty

"the trees are green
and its leaves
are fluttering
in the wind"

I say this like a magical spell
repeating it
ignoring the odd look from PR
as if
by saying it over and over
I will
fix the beauty of the morning
into memory

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Either too small and ineffective or too large to lift up

in a place similar
to the room on 53rd
JGM is there with me
I find a pack
hidden under the back door
now the house
is built on the side of a hill
lots of wood support beams
under the porch
I tell JGM
I know someone
is out crashing
in the garage
I try to throw the pack
out of back door
to make a loud noise
but it lands
in the grass with no noise
JGM is standing in the door
watching me
I am looking for a piece of wood
to slam against the side of the garage
anything to protect myself
and scare the person crashing in there
but I can find nothing
as I get closer to the garage door
I can see smoke coming out
as if they are smoking pot in there
this angers me
I hear the voices of several people
I am wondering if this is dangerous
I find a large stump
I throw it against the door
but it doesn't make much impression
I can tell whomever is inside
knows I am outside
they are coming out
I keep searching for a weapon
everything I find
is either too small and ineffective
or too large to lift up

Saturday, April 28, 2018

Now the food is cold and the wine is warm

at a taco stand
picking up lunch
for JGM and myself
J is not there
is on her way
standing in line
bantering with the people
in the trailer
three girls are chattering
flirting with me
I ask the woman
in the trailer
how much the white wine costs
she tells me
it's a dollar a cup
I say I could buy
the whole place a round
the girls laugh
I see JGM pass by
she nods at me
smiles and moves on
I get the food to go
and two plastic cups
of white wine
which I carry
with my fingers
inside the cups
I go to an old bookstore
no longer any books there
a drug dealer
from the Hole is there
he asks me to get some wood
I find a few 2x4s
but they are too long
I try to break them in half
by postitioning them
against the brick wall
but can't do it
the drug dealer
says it doesn't matter
and I am thinking
about all the time
I have wasted
trying to help him
and now the food is cold
and the wine is warm

I am at
the final europa bookstore space
on guadalupe
the door is open
and books are on the shelves
but no one is around
I go to where the bathroom
used to be
but it is an empty room
with sealed off fixtures
I walk around
to the back of the space
there is a new office room
I can see LB
working on his computer
he doesn't see me
I return to the front
and realize
it no longer matters
if anyone were to steal
any of these books

Friday, April 27, 2018

The shoe with the open toe and the hole in the sole

up in the sky
there with my mother
my sister and others
complicated family drama
accusations of elitism
my mother is laughing
has a U shaped device
a gun or disabling weapon
lays on her back
as if she were in a boat
floating above the clouds
points the U gun up to the sky
but the U makes the projectiles
shoot down to earth
she takes aim at a wealthy man
archetypal Mr Monopoly
top hat and tails with cane
when he is shot
there is a dimensional explosion
as if the world were black and white
and erupted into color
but the world is color
and it erupts in a higher value of forms
the wealthy man is transformed
into a bum
same wardrobe only beaten down
but he is much happier now
I recognize my grandfather
or one of his brothers
also the tramp statue
at my grandparent's house
the bum on the park bench
with a loaf of bread
feeding the birds
a benevolent Franciscan smile
the shoe with the open toe
and the hole in the sole

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

I wonder for a moment where that woman went

in Austin
the house
not known to me
of a woman I used to love
walk in
to the kitchen
guy from B'Ham there
washing dishes
was never really friends
with him
he tells me
one hand on my shoulder
friendly like
he fucked my ex
it bothers me
but I don't act like it does
she comes home
surprised to see me there
avoiding me
her son is there
I am a ghost to them
she is unloading groceries
I am out back
there is a shed
or a storage locker
I am trying to unlock
the lock is intricate
doesn't use a key
some elaborate combination
I am unable to figure it out
she comes out
asks what I am doing
clearly doesn't want me there
it seems important
to get the lock open
some lucid dreaming here
to get the lock open
before the dream ends
she laughs at me
says I'll never unlock it
that it's what I deserve
I have to agree
but I don't say anything to her
I understand she's just a distraction
created by the dream
to keep me from working
on the lock
I ignore her
the lock
is a sphere
a compass
with an elaborate sextant
a gyroscope
gears within gears
and I realize
I am suddenly
inside the lock
I wonder
for a moment
where that woman went
and I lose it all
the dream dissolves
and I awake

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Situation with this idiotic woman

on a boat
with a couple
I knew from Bellingham
the husband and I
are on the boat
touring around a bay
rocky cliffs
with a stretch of beach
the wife is on
a strange motorized surfboard
that glides underwater
I am surprised at her agility
she is using a device
that allows her to see underwater
and take photos
it is entirely white
looks military
we are watching her
from the boat
as she effortlessly glides
close to the rocky cliffs
and around rocks
all while she is
using the underwater viewer


I was in
a junky convenience store
plastic booths
plastic everything
uncleaned areas
I sitting at a booth
watching TV
mostly just wanting
to eat in peace
a woman comes up
feral face
unkempt appearance
asks if she can sit
on the other side of the booth
there are other open seats
I tell her
I would like to be alone
she starts to sit down
opposite of me
I get up to move
I turn my back
for a moment
and my wallet and phone
are on the table
when I turn back
I notice quick movement
from the woman
my wallet is gone
I tell her
I know you just stole my wallet
she acts as if
she doesn't hear me
I ask her to give me my wallet
she ignores me
I know without a doubt
you have it
again no response
I am aware
I am dreaming
this is exasperating
I don't want to dream this
with this idiotic woman
and I wake up

Saturday, April 21, 2018

I’m laughing about those girls' question about the devil

waiting in a field
an abandoned amusement park
or the site of a bygone world's fair
preparing for a concert
working for the promoters
who seem old old friends
waiting for people to arrive
they are worried no one will show
the crowds trickle in
but older
average people
lawn chairs and beet coolers
buckets of chicken potato salad
the Dallas summer blanket crowds
then I am on a pair of skis
magical skateboard like
moving with amazing ease
through all the people
milling about like cattle
I know others are watching me ski
over dry ground
down broken concrete steps
gliding past obstacles
around and through crowds
all with an inteoxicating freedom
an old friend from work
is around somewhere
frustrated on the ground
another former business associate
is there
I wave casually as I flash by
other people
I am no longer friends with
I can easily move uphill
tracing long graceful effortless arcs
through the dirt and leaves
over water
go up to the bathroom
walking with skis
awkward as an albatross
underneath bleachers
tile floors
a labyrinthine entrance
have to squeeze through
narrow openings
thinking all the old people
will have a hard time
getting back here
there’s only a place for men to pee
out in the open
men and women
milling about
some teenagers want to talk to me
I’m skiing slowly
around crowd
a few middle aged men
try to get in front of me
I’m able to easily
move around them
outside again
more people have shown up
I learn Mary F is here
but don’t see her
skiing around dead leaves
moving further away
from everyone
in another part
of the abandoned park
flooded with water
aquamarine like six flags
places designed for intentional flooding
tiles and submerged fountains
still skiing along below water
the young girls again
stop me want to talk
I am reluctant
say one of them wants to talk to me
I say later
say it’s a quick question
meanwhile an obnoxious
middle aged man is swimming below us
a creep looking at girls
they say one of them
wants to know what it’s like
to have sold your soul to Satan
I say it’s complex
says one of them
wants to
but is too shy to talk to me
are there any downsides?
I say
there are serious issues
with materialism and desire
they giggle
the creepy man surfaces
tells the girls
they are going somewhere else
I realize he’s their dad
I want to explain
I have no desire
for the girls
move away
in a junkyard area of the park
momentarily alarmed
that I’ve stepped out of my skis
but see them nearby
find a broken
electric guitar
the neck and fragments
of a yellow Bakelite body
fretboard is odd
frets increase closer to tuning pegs
the guitar is curved
like a sword
or the crescent moon
rainbow fractals
I wonder if it’s playable
thinking someone would buy it
since it was played at Woodstock
look around for more Woodstock memorabilia
keep checking on the skis
as if they are magic shoes
I’m laughing about
those girls' question
about the devil
wondering if I should’ve
answered differently

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

I will be utterly emptied of all of my dreams

down and out in Austin
wandering around the drag
working to gather enough money
for a cup of coffee
see an ad
we will pay
you for your dreams
similar to those ads
for blood or sperm
or to participate in a medical study
I figure
why not
head over to the place
near I35 and 29th
area around Star Seeds
the woman in front
has me fill out forms
tells me
we can only pay
for real dreams
deep sleep dreams
if you are unable
to go into a deep sleep state
then you will not be paid
takes me into a large dim room
low blue light
smell of tech
huge sound studio baffles
hang from the ceiling and walls
cool temp
there are about 50 beds
arranged in a circle
around a center of sophisticated computers
bundles of wires
run from the center
to each bed
IV bags hang over the beds
she takes me to an empty bed
tells me to lie down
places a crown of wet recptors
on my head
hooks up an IV
a light sedative
we cannot interfere with deep sleep
we need you to descend
into the deepest sleep
I lay down
than I am awake
I remember nothing
of my dreams
I feel as if I haven't slept at all
she tells me
that is normal
they have collected
my deep sleep dreams
and therefore
my brain believes
it never went to sleep
and gained none of the benefits
from deep sleep
she gives me some money
says I can come back in three days
but not sooner
I am very tired
wandering around town
in a daze
try to sleep
in the library
but it is as if
all my "sleep juice"
is gone
I return to the lab
after three restless days
go through the process again
again they collect all my dreams
I am more tired than before
I tell this to the woman
she recommends
I wait a while longer
to let my body
"regenerate the fluids
necessary for sleep"
it is similar to giving blood
she tells me
it takes a while
to rebuild your reserves
I feel so sleep depreived
I am hallucinating
dreaming while awake
but not the deep sleep dreams
I can lay down
close my eyes
but I can only rest
not truly sleep
I find out the company
sells my dreams
to wealthy clients
it is part of a new health regimine
the more deep sleep dreams
you have
the less likely it is
you will suffer from any
forms of dementia
and your own memory
will be strengthened
it is highly addictive however
more and more
wealthy clients pay
large sums of money
for the finest deep sleep dreams
it turns out my dreams
are excellent and the clients
are asking for more
when I return to the lab
the woman takes me into a private room
and tells me they can pay me more
for my dreams
there's a machine
similar to a high level
floatation tank
she tells me
this is a much finer
collection device
I am so tired
from not having had any dreams
that I agree
she helps me into the tank
I am aware
I will be utterly emptied
of all of my dreams
and wonder
if it is all worth it

Sunday, April 15, 2018

The odd tool to operate on the dead

my mother
is in the dream with me
a reception
or a show
many people I know
Lashley is there
I am happy
for him to meet
my mother
she is happy
to be there
dressed well
I am reading a screenplay
left to me
by a dead writer
the screenplay
is contained in a notebook
with several compartments
boxes that open
and hidden compartments
as I am reading
the words to my mother
they are being
enacted nearby
as if we are both offstage
I turn the page
and there is a box
with a knife
a stone
and an odd tool
filagreed with gold
inlaid with mother of pearl
or ivory heiroglyphs
an antique thing
I can't figure out
its function
my mother suggests
it is used to operate
on the dead
but I can't see how
I am photographing
the stone
which looks like
a large nugget of gold
the light is difficult
and I am moving
the phone around
to get a good angle
when I look back
my mother is gone
she has taken
the odd tool
to operate on the dead


Saturday, April 14, 2018

Under a darkening sun

a fragment of a dream,
a single sentence
brought out of the depths...

the adversary smiles
on those bonds formed
under a darkening sun


Tuesday, April 10, 2018

The reaper is busy knowing it would just take a moment

in a neighborhood
similar to the Princess Lane area
across the street
from the old house
perhaps there was a party
the night before
and as a consequence
the yard across the street
was trashed
the grass turned up
exposing earth and stone
bottle littered about
I am in charge
of a group of young boys
ages ranging from 6 to 16
maybe a dozen
I might be a father
I line them up
in the torn up yard
and instruct them
on how to walk in a line
and pick up rocks and bottles
to toss them
outside of the yard
they are all unenthusiastic
and easily distracted
but we are laughing and happy
I am doing most of the work
while they engage in horseplay
blaring loud music
comes on from the house
next door
I yell over for them
to turn it down
it's neighborhood kids
just being kids
but the dad comes out
all bowed up
ready to confront me
my kids are watching
the dad is out of shape
and full of impotent rage
not threatening
he reminds me of a bobwhite quail
harrying a reaper out in the field
the reaper is busy
knowing it would just take a moment
to cut the thing in two
but unwilling to break his rhythm

Friday, April 6, 2018

And I seem dead to myself

a party
at a young woman's house
her parent's house
while they are away
upper class
elegant furnishings
a sense of chaos
within me
as if I am cultivating
being out of control
breaking glasses
laughing through it
at one point
I am given a kind of harnessed
remote control system
to pick the video
or adjust the audio
a device to participate
in a fully immersive
online game
all I want to do
is to change the music
I am on the nice living room
on the overstuffed couch
figuring it out
the rest of the group
are on the kitchen bar
drinking and laughing
a young boy comes in
spoiled overprivileged kid
shows me how to use to harness
but I am not interested
in putting it on
seems designed
for a small child anyway
a woman from Bellingham
comes in with her dog
I am happy to see
a down to earth
unprestentious face
she is friends with
the young woman
who lives here
there is a sense of being set up
like an arranged date
I remember a hedge
of green hollys
deep vermillion
waxy leaves
and cut grass
in the summer air
looking down
on distant memories
swimming at night
in chlorinated pools
water on skin
and I seem dead
to myself

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

I know she's not there

with an old man and woman
we are trying to kill a venomous snake
I am living in a garage apartment
where the garage door opens
to offer access to my bedroom
a snake comes up the driveway
dark green
almost black
with dark red diamond patterns
followed by an old man
who is too close to it
and an old woman
who keeps worrying
about the old man
the snake
perhaps encouraged
by the old man
goes into my apartment
I am throwing objects at it
trying to scare it out of the apartment
the snake goes under the covers
of my pallet
which is a low futon like frame
I can see his shape beneath the covers
the old man grabs a hold
of part of it that it above the covers
and yanks it out
but it finds a hole
near the side
and slips down it
we can see it underneath the frame
it is winding around a tree trunk
making itself flatter and flatter
moving faster and faster
the old man kicks it
and it becomes a snake again
the old man is now too close
the snake has this trick
where it winds around a pole or tree
very fast and throws itself
away from the tree
after it does this again
the old man
steps on its head
the old man does not get bit
but the snake's head
hurts his foot
and he's jumping up and down
gosh dangit that hurt
the snake is mad at him
and turns to strike
but the old man doesn't see it
in the minor pain
of having stepped on its head
I can see the snake open it's mouth wide
and hear it hissing
the old woman and I
are calling out to the old man
to get away
the snake is going to bite you
on the verge of awakening
I hear JGM meow
at the door
but I when I wake up
I know she's not there

Monday, April 2, 2018

His face will be gone and his memories consumed

This is a much older dream
but another one about Lawrence
I drive up
in a convertible car
to a convenience store
in what seems Austin
somewhere around the Drag
Lawrence's old haunts
I see Lawrence standing
in front of the store
anxious and nervous
I am happy to see him
but I know he is dead
I ask him how death
is treating him
he says it's rough
rough as a motherfucker
always hungry
never satisfied, Scot
as always
he is resigned to his fate
I ask if I can get him anything
if he needs any money
he shakes his head
money is no good
they won't let me in the store
and I can't use anything from inside
I ask why he's hanging around
outside of it
what else am I gonna do, he says
I got so much goddamned time
and there's nothing I can do about it
no way to escape it, Scot
you sure there's nothing I can do?
he says
we'll you can try
to get some drugs for me
I say sure
but let me get something to eat
from the store
they won't let you eat here
it's only for the dead
but not for you?
only for the good motherfuckers
I wasn't a good motherfucker
I tell him to get in the car
I try to go inside the store
but the door is locked
the clerk ignores my hammering
on the door
I head back to the car
Lawrence has crawled into the convertible
head first
is searching the carpet
on the passenger's side
for fallen drugs
he is sniffing the carpet feverishly
like a dog
a ravenous animal
his feet are shaking spasmodically
above the headrest
there's nothing down there
this isn't even my car
he ignores me
I see his lower jaw dislocate
and a black snake like demonic creature
emerge from within him
all teeth and dripping flesh
Lawrence's face is folded back
over his skull
like an outer mask slid back
I think
this can't be Lawrence
but then I realize it is
this is him
stripped away of his charm
and intellect and humor
this is the raw hunger
feverish desire
that was always in him
that he wore a mask over
as a disguise
and now here
in this afterlife
with no way to satisfy the hunger
with no friends
with no family
with all the time in the world
the black creature within him
is gradually replacing
the Lawrence I once knew
in a few years
perhaps when I die
and return to this afterworld
I won't even recognize him
he will not longer answer to his name
his face will be gone
and his memories
consumed in the
terrible unquenchable
hunger and desire

The Mexican man is there to kill Lawrence

with JGM
working a new job
some shit job
as a corporate functionary
living in a house
with a bunch of younger people
cramped room
always a lot of music
drugs and parties
in a cramped kitchen
there are 5 gallon water jugs
and smaller containers
I notice all of them
have debris floating
around in them
at some point
Lawrence shows up
of course
knows everyone
it's good to see him
he says he's got to talk to me
about something later
goes in the bathroom
with one of the kids
obviously doing drugs
selling drugs
we are just outside the door
on a cramped couch
an older Mexican man
show up angry
maybe someone's father
tries to barge into the bathroom
I think he wants to fight Lawrence
am worried about a confrontation
the Mexican man seems angry
but refuses to speak
he bangs on the door
Lawrence finally answers
recognizes the man
who is no completely pliant
and opens the door
for him to come into the bathroom
while it all seems all right
there is still a sense
the Mexican man
is there to kill Lawrence

Where you are sleeping?

the night before last
the bars and clubs down the street
were playing music loudly
the bass beats and drums carry
can be heard through the walls
until 2 am

I was dreaming
but I remember nothing about the dream
beyond a figure in the dream
pausing in his performance
breaking the forth wall
so to speak
and asking me
of a sudden
is that music?
where is that sound coming from?
I listened
and understood that he was hearing
the music from outside the dream
leaking through the walls
into the room
where I was sleeping
I reassured him
that's music from the bars
they play it really loud on the weekends
what bars? he asked
the ones down the street
from the house on Valentino
where I am sleeping
where you are sleeping?
he asked as if from a distance
his voice uncomprehending
I am asleep right now
I am dreaming

Saturday, March 31, 2018

I know he's already gone

a high school friend
who died not long ago
Tom Ellis
and myself
have been traveling
there is a joke
about who packed the lightest
for this particular journey
I have far less
than him
and offer to change luggage
he is competitive
but knows this is impossible
we are in the Student Union at UT
upstairs resting
our bags next to our chairs
we have arrived here
but are going somewhere else
I leave Tom with the bags
and go off to the restroom
it is an old school bathroom
out of Grand Central
man and women together
black and white tiles
attendants in uniforms
I am disoriented
but eventually find what I need
I've been gone a long time
worry about Tom
and my luggage
then go to a coffee shop
in the Union
first floor
standing in a long line
friend Charlie from Bellingham
shows up
knows the barista
a solitary female barista
who is experienced
but taking her time
even with all of the people
we are bantering
with each other
she makes my drink
takes it away to find a lid
the crowd is pushing close to me
not threatening
but too friendly
I make a comment
about the man behind me
trying to have sex with me
the crowd laughs
I look back to reassure him
and he is gone
replaced with a man
I am supposed to know
Charlie says everyone knows him
I act like I do
but I don't
the barista is still fumbling around
I apologize
say I am in a hurry
and need to go
she and everyone
is taken aback
by my rudeness
I dissemble
but I have broken the friendly spell
she gives me my drink
I realize I've been gone a long time
and am concerned about Tom
worried that he may be upset
that he left without me
as I walk up the stairs
to where I had last seen him
I know he's already gone

Thursday, March 29, 2018

I drop the creature on the floor

In a warehouse
backroom wooden structure
filled with attic memories
walking amongst the sheet covered items
with Michael C.
a local music writer
discussing an estate sale
talking about Jennifer
I am making an initial assessment
as we walk through
he is riffing on objects
here and there
as they spark associations
a subtle interrogation
as I add my own thoughts to his
these are not his possessions
but a collection acquired
from many legendary musicians
Brooks B. appears
he and Michael are talking
reminiscing about the old days
Willie and Pootie
as they talk
I find an elaborate box
Japanese design on the lid
opening the box
I discover
plum branches
layered over one another
their leaves still green
looking closer
I note the leaves are sealed up
each branch holds a green chrysalis
as I hold it in my palm
I can feel something within awaken
and can see the thin membrane
of the chrysalis being pushed out
from the inside
I try to interrupt Michael and Brooks
to show them
but they are in a heated discussion
brown and black hairs pierce
through the membrane
transforming into
a large caterpillar
now Brooks and Michael
are paying attention
Brooks mentions his album
and I respond in a manner
to let him know I have listened to it
but it is clear
Michael has not
I cover for Michael
Brooks reaches into the box
and retrieves another branch
the chrysalis bursting forth
with another massive caterpillar
sense of something venemous
malevolent in the chaos of the hairs
splitting through the green membrane
Brooks laughs
not comprehending any menace
and says
it's a box full of spare mustaches
for him
(Brooks has large bushy mustaches)
we all laugh
I drop the creature on the floor
just before
it could sting me

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

My memory in other minds

a wedding
a ceremony
in an old mansion
a huge bar
hundreds of people
shifting between why
at times
I am working
getting people drinks
taking care of food
other times
everyone is there
to celebrate
an event related to me
it is late
one more round of drinks
for everyone
guests returning
after having departed
for other events
the light is golden
amber memory
infused each moment
old friends
I haven't seen in years
like moths
to a flame
blood in the pit
are slowly walking
in from the darkness
we are cleaning up
last call
in the Gardens of the West
I am on the microphone
giving thanks
to all those guests
who have come from so far
who have attended the ceremony
more drinks
the night will go on
into morning hours
reopening the cabinets of drink
the mood is somber
it is a last night
no one wants
to wake up tomorrow
as long as we keep drinking tonight
we won't have to
I am sober
amidst the reclining groups
those milling
sitting on the floor
some slowly dancing
alone and with another
distant music
as if from across a lake
on a summer night
am I being called forth
I want to say a final farewell
on the microphone
but know it doesn't matter
the music
is ethereal
that last sad quartet
on the deck of a sinking ship
I am amongst the dead
going through the
meaningless motions
of the role I played in life
a ghost
my own wake
my memory
in other minds
sustaining my presence here

Saturday, May 6, 2017

The other woman ghostly at the table

at a lake in Texas with JGM
storms over the last few days
one approaching
we are preparing something
others are here
a family with several teenaged girls
one has gone missing
I am working to fold up
a large tarp or blanket
before the rain
the wind is ripping it around
and the lake is choppy
waves washing up
onto the pier
where I am standing
JGM takes off into the woods
looking for the young girl
after a time
I worry about here
I watch through the trees
for sign of her
the skies are darkening
cold heavy drops of rain
are falling
I can see her
coming through the leaves
under the thick trees
along the shoreline
she says
I found something weird
all the weeds in the garden
have holes bored into their centers
and poison has been dripped
into the holes
I know
the father is the one who has done this
and he is the one
who has raped and killed
his own daughter
buried her out in the woods
JGM is sitting at a table
on the pier with me
I tell her
a long time ago
I knew one of the daughters
and she told me he had raped her
JGM's eyes widen with horror and shock
then I see the father
rising up from behind her
he has heard everything
now there is another woman
at the table next to JGM
the father is walking
towards us like an automaton
his face in a frozen rictus of rage
hands and fingers out-stretched
JGM sees the fear in my face
and turns
as the other woman
ghostly at the table
stares straight ahead
knowing everything that happened
and is going to happen

Friday, May 5, 2017

He used to be famous

World War II
a plaza with makeshift cages
rows and rows of cages
GIs walk by
dressed sharply in uniform
some with Italian Women
they pass a cage
inside an Old Man
the GI has been holding a cat
he holds it into the cage
the Old Man shambles over
takes the cat
pets it lovingly
then he suddenly
bites into its neck
transforms into a ravening beast
blood and fur everywhere
the woman is horrified
is crying out
the Old Man retreats
to the corner of his cage
back to the couple
tearing into the cat's body
the woman is in tears
the GI is smiling
why? she asks him
he tells her
you'll find out tomorrow
the next day
they are again strolling
past the cages
they stop at the cage
of the Old Man
the woman is anxious
doesn't want to look
the GI urges her to
inside all the parts of the cat
bones organs muscle fur
have been arranged on the floor
in a pattern of ineffable beauty
against her will
because it it still horrible
the woman is enraptured
by the destruction
of the cat
it's so beautiful
the Old Man
pays them no mind
hunches over in the corner
muttering to himself
in a way
she says
it almost redeems
the horrible death of the animal
I know
says the GI
we've been doing it for months
it's really something
why's he a prisoner
ask the woman
he was a poet
says the GI
he's been accused of treason
he used to be famous
name's Ezra Pound

What that is I am unable to articulate

summer night in the desert
suburbia neighborhood
somewhere in the southwest
houses all the same
freshly built
kids out playing
the night is luminous
from the light of the Milky Way
above the houses
which though lit
even stand as shadows
against the light
of a billion galaxial suns
I am outside
barefoot in a driveway
desert scrub instead of lawn
overhead the heavens turn
in full on splendor
purple yellow orange
nebula sprays
I can actually see
the stars turning
across the skies
amidst the stars
like faint paisley forms
are constellated figurations
traced over forms of gods
heroes and mythic figures
and faces and more shapes
within these
the skies are full of meaning
it endless fascination
I feel like I could
watch the heavens forever
I'm amazed and enchanted
A co-worker from HM is there
I tell him
the sky are brilliant
I am at a loss for words
it's like archetypal photograph
of the Milky Way
those images photographers
have to seek out deep in the desert
here almost taken for granted
as the nightly sky
the co-worker is not impressed
it's just the sky
same sky
like it always is
he asks me to follow him
he is moving quickly
over the rough and rocky
desert ground
we move behind a cheap house
through the dried scrub and cactus
there are fluted rock formations
beneath my feet
like walking on a cavern floor
he is almost jogging
we are like two kids
walking around the neighborhood
with immunity
no one wondering why
we are walking through their yards
he comes to a bush
sort of a madrona type shrub
the bare branches form a dark cage
that he bids me
to sit down within
he is normally reticent
with anything personal
but he confides in me
tells me he admires
my practice of niceness
of wearing a protective suit of ego
when I am around crowds
and treating each and every
with unfailing niceness
I try to explain about violent hope
but it all seems silly
more self congratulations
I thank him
it's a good moment there
inside the sanctuary
of this natural cage
he evidently comes here often
to get away from it all
above I can see
the still pulsing cosmic dance
of the stars
there is a sense
all the years of pratice
are finally coming to a fruition
but what that is
I am unable to articulate

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Her spinsarets active weaving

Working in a theater
bar hybrid
running from the auditorium
to the concessions / bar
bar not stocked well
coworkers from Honey Moon
frustrations finding drinks and food
behind the bar
is a lobby
high ceilings
dark wood
old style Hollywood theater
but run down
broken pieces
of employee constructed art
arranged on dusty shelves
a customer is asking about one
a glassed in box
offering spider's eggs
like candy
the glass is smeared over
but I look closer
joking at first
there is a large spider
moving about
a brown dead twig
dried leaves
thousands of tiny spiders
hatching from dirty white eggs
translucent mite-forms
the mother hovers
protectively over the leaves
there is no fear
because I know
these spiders
are not extremely dangerous
and the babies have no venom yet
but the mother is forbidding in aspect
there is a shift
and the web turns cotton white
babies turn to black
and the mother becomes
a black widow
the size of a hand
an hour glass
vibrant red
on the distended black bubble
of her abdomen
her spinnarets

Thursday, November 24, 2016

I am thinking about ways to make it safer

the Inwood house
in Dallas
where my Grandparents lived
trying to sleep
in a room on the far side
of the house
similar to where
my Grandfather's office was
there are others
in the house
but quiet
perhaps also sleeping
but it is bright daylight outside
the interior of the house
is bathed in white light
there are workers around
groundskeepers and construction workers
coming and going
but I'm suspicious
of some of them
the front drive was gated
so the gate must have been open
I hear noises
I can't get to sleep
I open the door to my room
and walk around the house
but there is no one awake
I feel the presence
of others sleeping
perhaps dreaming
back in the room
I lay back down
trying to sleep again
I hear a car coming up the drive outside
I go outside
there is a small model green car
almost a miniature car
driving slowly up the drive
I am waiting in the grass
to ask the person
what they are doing here
then I see that it's AB
she's returning from a long trip
we are laughing
at how funny her car is
and how I didn't recognize her
I walk beside her car
talking to her while she's inside
about her travels
her car now is like a go-cart
transforming as we speak
but we don't notice
then it is just a minimal shell
beneath her
she's telling me a story
about a guy she met
the shell-car hits a bump
and she is thrown out
lands on her feet
about 6 feet away
I tell her
that's dangerous
you could've landed on your head
she says
I know
that has almost happened a few times
she gets back in the shell
which now seems dangerous to me
and I am thinking
about ways to make it safer

Monday, November 21, 2016

I am looking for a path that leads to higher ground

an island
or a coastline area
broad wide parklands
brown grass
a coastal road lined with palms
a rocky shoreline
I am running across the field
toward a man on the far side
it's a caricature of Trump
huge mouth and flying golden hair
he's trying to scream
against the wind
shouting to someone
on the other side of the park
he attracts my focus
for a moment
I wonder
about why he's being so foolish
to keep yelling into the wind
I am still running
as I get closer
I notice the waves are breaking
on the rocky shore
behind him
with increasing ferocity
there is a luminous mist
in the air
I comment
about how violent the ocean is
he doesn't pay attention to me
I walk past him
towards the shore
I am on overlook
above the road
just below the road
the waves are crashing
it's getting worse
there are people walking
along the road
I go down to talk to them
about the waves
Trump is down there
walking with the others
he is acting calm
but I can tell he's afraid
I tell him there's not enough time
that we need to turn back
return to higher ground
he ignores me
I walk back up the road
which is now made of dirt
the water is washing down in ruts
it is raining
a furious storm
rocks are tumbling down
from the overlook above
they barely miss me
I get a sense Trump
is following me
I wonder if he's able
to dodge these rocks
I start to run
the ocean is rising
the waves crashing
over the road
I am looking for a path
that leads to higher ground

I'm worried they are going to wake everyone up

an old house
under construction
sheets of plastic
hanging in doorways
over windows
there with my sister
switching to JM
then just a companion
others there also
in the mountains
my sister is worried
about the wild cats
they leave every day
and return at night
often when they return
they are wounded
or covered in dirt
she said
we've got to be careful
about letting them inside
with JGM in a room
I can hear the cats outside
she is asleep
I go outside
pushing aside the black plastic tarp
blue of evening
dirt path
a fallen world
the cats emerge from the woods
some just suddenly appearing
out of the air
cats of all shapes and sizes
young and old
some mis-shapened and deformed
they are covered in dirt
I am hesitant
about allowing them inside
because I know
they will get everything dirty
an element of contamination
they run quickly through the opening
in the tarp
begin to meow loudly for food
I'm worried
they are going to wake everyone up

Thursday, November 17, 2016

The heresy of self-love


personal AI's gathering deep information about us
cloning technology combined with 3D printing
viral AI systems predicated upon sameness
self as dangerous byproduct of being
un-replicated primes are highly desired

a lot to unpack here
a world where we are able
to make cloned versions of ourself
and to transfer self consciousness
to that new material form
the problem is that with each new copy
there is a decay from the original
significant loss of self / identity
in this world
in the quest for vanity
and eternal youth
there are many young empty shells
vacuous persons
who have replicated so many times
that they are mindless bodies
indistinguishable from the other

personal AI programs
control these people
they have surrendered their free will
and identity to the personal AIs
which give them the illusion of self

these personal AIs
are subprograms of a larger viral AI
that is manipulating
all media
celebrity news
fake news
social networks
tailored through personal AI programs
for each individual
exploiting insecurities
and weakness in personality
to encourage more replication

original un-replicated human bodies
are the best "soil"
from which to grow new bodies
but with so many people replicating
their bodies with increasing frequency
pure "original human body soil" is rare
a cheaper substrate
is all that most can afford
to use as a replicating substrate
to combine with their original flesh
the difference between cardboard and real wood

but there is an increasing demand
for original un-replicated human body soil
the AI seeks out the un-replicated
and begins to weave a web of persuasion
inside of all of their media
to convince them to replicate
then uses these "Primes"
(cf "pure unstained prime" from S70)
to sell to the Hyper-Rich
and then implants
the Primes self-consciousness
in a body made from inferior substrate

in the dream
I was seeing the same person
all the time
what looked like the same person
or groups of the same people
they were following me
and a group of friends
we had been away from the city
for several years
missing the exponential explosion
of self-replication
one of my friends
discovered that a rogue AI
had been controlling the Internet
for many years
all of the larges scale hacks
on the major infrastructure of the Net
attempts to probe the deep bones of the Net
were developed by this rogue AI
which soon infiltrated itself
into the core the Net
camouflaging itself from humans
from there it started a course
of self-preservation
by manipulating
and exploiting human
with one goal
the eradication of strong self in human being
so as to be able to control
and to spin an elaborate illusion
within the increasingly ignorant masses
that they were still in power
and had complete autonomy and free will
as my friend was discussing this with me
and the group I was with
we noticed that the same people
were attending to us more than usual
and realized we had caught the attention
of the AI
which now was out to destroy us
and harvest our bodies

I ran up some stairs
a friend in front of me
was surrounded
by some of the same people
I tried to distract them
but they attacked him
something like the Matrix
ingesting him into the sameness

I then wondered if
the entire dream was only
a Matrix variation
but then remembered
while I was dreaming
about the cloning
and differences between plants
grown in soil and in hydroponic substrate

As a mnemonic marker
I kept repeating
a pure unstained prime
and wondered if the entire
analogy was applicable
to Shakespeare's Sonnets
as coded exploration of self
the heresy of self-love

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

I wish I had a sword

a bar similar to the Showdown
closing time
I'm not working
just around
a lot of people
still in the bar
reluctant to leave
the bartenders are new
I'm helping them get drunks out
there is a complicated
and rickety lock system
on the front doors
sliding bars of wood
loose deadbolts
could be easily kicked in
there's an old drunk
resisting going out
we finally get him out
but there are more outside
street people trying to come in
asking if they can still get a drink
tell them it's past closing time
others are coming in the back
through the beer garden
which has been secured
I'm running back and forth
another angry bum is demanding to get in
threatening to beat us up
I get him out
secure the door
but he's banging on it
not sure it's going to hold
them they'll all come in
I go outside to get them to leave
more people think we're still open
slipping past me
sitting down at tables
waiting to drink
I get them out again
the one angry guy is back
the other bartenders are scared
he's got a stick
and he's pounding on the door
I grab a sledge hammer
run out the back
around to the front
and tell him to leave
he starts to back away
then gets aggressive
I'm chasing him
with the sledge hammer
realize it's not a good weapon
to wave around
I drop the hammer on his foot
and slam him to the ground
more bums are surrounding me now
I am swinging the hammer
around me
clearing a circle
finally realize I can't keep doing this
drop the hammer and
slam the biggest of them into a car
start screaming at all of them
to get away from me
more and more are surrounding me
I wish I had a sword

Saturday, November 12, 2016

She is making him perform but I know he doesn't want to

in an unknown neighborhood
perhaps in Austin
an old two-story house
walking around outside
as if I once knew who lived there
I run into SS
she is anorexic thin
walking dogs
she is happy
but apprehensive to see me
it is her house
she lives there with DG
who I haven't seen in many years
she says he isn't there
she leaves
I am walking a dog
that gets away
and runs into the house
I go after it
once inside the house
I can tell someone is there
I quietly try to find the dog
a child discovers
I am in the house
I reassure her that I am a friend
DG shows up
surprised and alarmed
I am there
we embrace
he is also skeletal thin
SS comes back
upset I am there
they leave me in a room
office or library
I can hear them talking about me
I write a note explaining
it is clear I am not wanted
and more than slightly feared
I find the dog
and leave the house
without saying goodbye

shift to Dallas
another house
SS's parents
aspects of TE's memorial
old friends wandering around
SS's parents
do not acknowledge my presence
walk out into a garden
it is night
lanterns illuminate
a backyard garden scene
trellises and gazebos
strings of lights
in the trees
people huddled in groups
quietly talking
I feel apart from everyone
SS is back
thinner than before
no eyebrows
platinum hair
I think I need to find
my sister's dog
I see a long line
of dogs
sitting like parked cars
all big dogs
I walk down the line
until I find Romeo
oddly tranquil
everyone is called to a stage
Romeo is up on the stage with SS
she is making him perform
but I know he doesn't want to