Tuesday, June 5, 2018

I am concerned we will miss our turn


driving through a university campus
perhaps SMU in Dallas
with LB
and old friend and fiancee
I am familiar
with all of the turns
and twists
it takes to get across campus
but she is not
although I think
she should be
I am directing her
as she is driving
she keeps making the wrong turns
and we are laughing about it
finally we are on the other side
driving down a wide street
in a nice Dallas neighborhood
she is saying she wants sex
there was another part of the dream
where she told me
about masturbating to a book
filled with photographs of cowboys
of these stylized images of cowboys
used in advertising in the 1950s
jokingly now
I tell her she should've brought
her cowboy book
but that I will help her out
she stands in the seat
and stands with her legs apart
I lift up her skirt
she is shaved clean
I begin to play with her
as she drives
everyone that passes us
coming from the other direction
can see what I am doing
she is laughing
and on the verge of orgasm
I am watching her
and watching the road
as she seems
to not be paying attention
again
I am concerned
we will miss our turn


Monday, June 4, 2018

With no comprehension of why he is here


jerry and I in a hospital world
but vast huge spaces
crowds of people
something of the university
he needs help still
but it allowed a lot of autonomy
most of the people
are not paying attention to him
this worries me
every one else has a model
that they are working on
similar to those kits
I had as a kid
plane and cars and monsters
that redolent glue
we are waiting in line
to ask for a model
a group of young girls
are also there
talking and butting in front of us
jerry is already defeated
I tell them we were here first
they laugh and mock me
laugh at jerry and mock him
I can see this upsets him
fuck it
we don't need the model
the girls are still laughing at us
as I walk away
we go outside
it is lightly raining
streets with puddles
I am on a motorcycle
Jerry is running to keep up
I realize this is crazy
and tell him to get on back
then he has his own car
I tell him he need to park
and ride with me
he pulls into a space
in front of a closed bank
his car has an awkward convertible top
he is trying to pull it up
a woman in the car next to him
gets out and walks
right through the middle
of the convertible top
jerry had to wait for her to pass
I am angry at how inconsiderate she is
but say nothing
there's no use
it is all sad and useless
jerry manages to halfway pull
the contraption over his car
I realize he probably
will never drive a car again
and he stands there
in the rain
looking at me
with no comprehension
of why he is here

Unless I am willing to pay them some money


a catering gig with jennifer
we in a grocery store
heb in austin
we bought blueberries
somewhere else
and are storing them
in reach in
similar to the ones
we once used to chill glasses
at the Showdown
we know this is
against store policies
but are hoping
just to get away with it
jennifer has an old display rack
for water
she is carrying it awkwardly
taking it outside to the car
I am watching over
the blueberries
other shoppers
are opening the doors
looking over our blueberries
jennifer keeps calling a woman
kathleen
about a meeting
to deliver the blueberries
and the other supplies
she hands me the phone
i call her again
an answering machine picks up
a man's irritate voice
with a message about
if you are calling kathleen
please stop
but if you are calling for scott
leave a message
we need to reschedule
our meeting with kathleen
but cannot get ahold of her
there are two men
pulling out our blueberries
I go over and ask
what they are doing
thinking they are shoppers
they are employees
two hippies
not in any uniform
ask me if there are mine
I say they
we are just storing them here
temporarily
they tell me I cannot do that
unless I am willing
to pay them some money


Friday, June 1, 2018

Until their children hatch and feast upon my flesh


mosquitos in the closet where I sleep
dreams of cockroaches and bugs
underneath my pallet
the insects have hollowed out the floor
like an ant colony
chambes and passageways
as long as I keep my feet
from hanging over the edge
of my pallet
I am protected
but when I relax
and my foot extends too far
I can feel their antennae
and legs probing my skin
for edibility
or if they can use my body
to extend their colony
chewing tunnels
into me as I sleep
and setting up breeding chambers
inside of my bowels
penetrating into my skull
to take control of my thinking
turning me into a zombie
keeping me alive
but paralyzed until
their children hatch
and feast upon my flesh


Tuesday, May 29, 2018

No one can see the whole of the piece except me


a concert for music
that I've written
dozens of singers and musicians
on a stage
I am arranging
where they each need to stand
a sheet of paper
indicating 81 parts
divided into 3 sections
I ask single musicians
to perform short pieces
then groups of singers
we are in a vast concert hall
crowds of workers
are moving about
whispering in the auditorium
behind me
what is clear to me
and what is frustrating to me
is that no one
can see the whole of the piece
except me


Monday, May 28, 2018

It doesn't seem as if he is holding anything at all


a close out sale
at a shop
almost a convenience store
people putting aside
pile of things they want
asking for deals
a square counter area
in the middle of the room
customers are in the square
looking under shelves
poking around
I'm watching them
making sure
they don't take that isn't for sale
a man is arguing with me
about the value
of something in his hands
I don't recognize it
it doesn't seem as if
he is holding anything at all

Sunday, May 27, 2018

Capturing the Minotaur


what is it about some dreams
when immediately after opening your eyes
this world once so solid
and so real
a world filled with people
and such involved drama
how can such a world
instantly turn to fog
and vanish into thin air?

"More strange than true. I never may believe
These antique fables nor these fairy toys.
Lovers and madmen have such seething brains,
Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend
More than cool reason ever comprehends.
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet
Are of imagination all compact.
One sees more devils than vast hell can hold—
That is the madman. The lover, all as frantic,
Sees Helen’s beauty in a brow of Egypt.
The poet’s eye, in fine frenzy rolling,
Doth glance from heaven to Earth, from Earth to heaven.
And as imagination bodies forth
The forms of things unknown, the poet’s pen
Turns them to shapes and gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name.
Such tricks hath strong imagination,
That if it would but apprehend some joy,
It comprehends some bringer of that joy.
Or in the night, imagining some fear,
How easy is a bush supposed a bear!"
W.S. MSND

then how easy is it for that bear to disappear
and as the mind chases after it
the entire world around it also disappears
until there is only the stark reality
of the bed you have awoken to
the grey light
the same dull world
that surrounds you every day?

but then
there are other dreams
that cling to you
as you rise out the murky seas
starfish and barnacles
that ride back attached
and reluctant to remove themselves
often they are utterly ordinary
fragments of a larger
dream narrative
more often
that rich and interwoven narrative
is left behind
and all that remains
is the objective correlative
of the sad hermit crab
searching for a new shell

last night's dream
took place in a restuarant
not one that I remember
from my life
but familiar
I was a customer
but knew the staff
mostly women
all younger
and happily bantering
amongst each other
a man had come in the back door
and was causing trouble
he seemed drunk
confused
but was aggressive
and asking for money
the girls convinced him
to wait in the office
they came to me
and told me about their problem
I walked into the back
we were scrambling for a weapon
the man was yelling
and I wanted to be able
to defend myself
the back area
was like a labyrinth
which the women knew well
but by the time we arrived
in the storeroom
where I hoped to find a weapon
I was completely disoriented
the halls were narrow
and lined with cheap
wood paneling
corkboards overfilled with notices
photographs
stickers
jokes
and letters
cheaply framed photos
lined the walls
as we walked past
a massive wooden walk-in door
we heard the man yelling
from inside
the women were scared
and I realized
all I needed to do
was to pull down
a heavy metal bar
like those on an ice house
that would seal the man inside
I quickly fumbled with the bar
locking the man inside
he realized he was trapped
and increased his furious yelling
the girls were laughing
and taunting him



Saturday, May 26, 2018

The dreams we deemed worthy of remembrance


vague fragments
a processing center
a rendering factory
where my dreams
were being evaluated
edited
amped up
for increased
memorability
I would dream
for a while
like a scuba diver
going down
to touch bottom
dream for a while
then I would come back
to the surface
and stand around
with the group
discussing the merits
and problems
with the dream
always a sense
of choosing what to keep
and what to discared
what to remember
for when I would later
write it down here
and what I could
without any great loss
forget
the problem is
that now I only remember
this editing
evaluating process
and nothing at all
of the dreams
we deemed
worthy of remembrance

Friday, May 11, 2018

I have a move that can free me from the game


fragmentary images
a castle or a space ship
corridors and lab rooms
anxiety over being found out
searching for a Prospero type
associations with Star Wars
and science fiction
the dreamer is aware of the dream
the sorcerer is conjuring the drama
for reasons beyond our comprehension
searching through rooms
and subrooms
layers of basements
levels of reality
moving towards a foundation
Malkhut
does not emanate from God directly
but from God's creation
suddenly entering into the temenos
the god is surpised
the dream reality
amps up into higher resolution
the god is holding
the Tree of Life
the Sephirot spinning around
like planets in an orbit
jewels on a chandalier
arcing paths of light
weaving through each other's influence
the god watches me
with casual indifference
amused I have found him
certain I will forget
the value and meaning
of the enoounter
the Sephirot orbit
I recite a spell
something like C3PO
he lightly responds with D4QP
it sounds as if it spells a word
every spell I say
he easily advances it
like playing chess
with the Grand Master
every action antipated
until I realize
I have a move
that can free me from the game
and I awaken



Thursday, May 10, 2018

She is horrified that I would think that


I am with Jerry
he is homeless
sort of a Lawrence figure
known around town as an affable presence
we are driving around
talking and catching up
he still seems like he has dementia
but is still functional
we drive into a university complex
around a series of large dorms in towers
there is a place in back
where Jerry says he sleeps
I am worried about him
so I get out and accompany him
he says he wants to watch TV
goes into a common area
and tries to remove the public TV
from the wall
I tell him to stop
that they will think he is stealing the TV
he says he is stealing it
as he disconnects the wires
and unplugs it
there are a lot of students around
who are watching him
but not doing anything
Jerry tells me not to worry
he does this all the time
when he wants to watch TV


earlier:
SH from Dallas
is waiting for her son
to get out of school
is showing me where he sits
in the front seat of her car
she has rigged up
two cutting boards
in the passenger seat
one on the dash
and one on the seatback
I ask her if they are safe
and she laughs
says of course not
but that is what make him happy
I tell her
the cutting boards
seem like a gruesome metaphor
for what might happen
if he got in an accident
and she is horrified
that I would think that


Friday, May 4, 2018

"The trees are green and its leaves are fluttering in the wind"


a mixture of Austin and Bellingham
with M&K
and a group of friends
wandering through an entertainment area
sitting at an outside bar
DC from Bellingham
sits next to MM from Austin
to remind her
to be aware
of how much she is drinking
PR from Bellingham
is irritated
asking who D is
and why he is there
I explain the situation to him
he still is annoyed
PR goes off to work
he drives an Uber
the next day
 M and I cannot find a ride
M's car is in the shop
I go to the shop to look for her
she is in a crowded waiting room
lots of women with babies
I think
she is sitting there
buried under a dozen crying babies
which seems something
she would do
but it is not her
find her outside
she is hungover and irritable
K is working on her car
PR shows up
asking if I need a ride
and asking where DC is
since clearly M needs a ride
he seems as if he wants DC's job
we find K
who is working under the hood
M's car is an old Ford pickup
placed inside another old car
PR is amazed by this
but his car seems the same
an old car inside of an old car
K is busy fixing the car
busy but polite
he gets it working
now M is nowhere around
he goes to look for her
PR offers to give me a ride
I tell him
I'm good
that I will walk
but he thinks
I am waiting for a ride
from DC
which I am not
the day is extraordinary
in its ordinary beauty

"the trees are green
and its leaves
are fluttering
in the wind"

I say this like a magical spell
repeating it
ignoring the odd look from PR
as if
by saying it over and over
I will
fix the beauty of the morning
into memory


Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Either too small and ineffective or too large to lift up


in a place similar
to the room on 53rd
JGM is there with me
I find a pack
hidden under the back door
now the house
is built on the side of a hill
lots of wood support beams
under the porch
I tell JGM
I know someone
is out crashing
in the garage
I try to throw the pack
out of back door
to make a loud noise
but it lands
in the grass with no noise
JGM is standing in the door
watching me
I am looking for a piece of wood
to slam against the side of the garage
anything to protect myself
and scare the person crashing in there
but I can find nothing
as I get closer to the garage door
I can see smoke coming out
as if they are smoking pot in there
this angers me
I hear the voices of several people
I am wondering if this is dangerous
I find a large stump
I throw it against the door
but it doesn't make much impression
I can tell whomever is inside
knows I am outside
they are coming out
I keep searching for a weapon
everything I find
is either too small and ineffective
or too large to lift up


Saturday, April 28, 2018

Now the food is cold and the wine is warm


at a taco stand
picking up lunch
for JGM and myself
J is not there
is on her way
standing in line
bantering with the people
in the trailer
three girls are chattering
flirting with me
I ask the woman
in the trailer
how much the white wine costs
she tells me
it's a dollar a cup
I say I could buy
the whole place a round
the girls laugh
I see JGM pass by
she nods at me
smiles and moves on
I get the food to go
and two plastic cups
of white wine
which I carry
with my fingers
inside the cups
I go to an old bookstore
no longer any books there
a drug dealer
from the Hole is there
he asks me to get some wood
I find a few 2x4s
but they are too long
I try to break them in half
by postitioning them
against the brick wall
but can't do it
the drug dealer
says it doesn't matter
and I am thinking
about all the time
I have wasted
trying to help him
and now the food is cold
and the wine is warm

later
I am at
the final europa bookstore space
on guadalupe
the door is open
and books are on the shelves
but no one is around
I go to where the bathroom
used to be
but it is an empty room
with sealed off fixtures
I walk around
to the back of the space
there is a new office room
I can see LB
working on his computer
he doesn't see me
I return to the front
and realize
it no longer matters
if anyone were to steal
any of these books


Friday, April 27, 2018

The shoe with the open toe and the hole in the sole


up in the sky
there with my mother
my sister and others
complicated family drama
accusations of elitism
my mother is laughing
has a U shaped device
a gun or disabling weapon
lays on her back
as if she were in a boat
floating above the clouds
points the U gun up to the sky
but the U makes the projectiles
shoot down to earth
she takes aim at a wealthy man
archetypal Mr Monopoly
top hat and tails with cane
when he is shot
there is a dimensional explosion
as if the world were black and white
and erupted into color
but the world is color
and it erupts in a higher value of forms
the wealthy man is transformed
into a bum
same wardrobe only beaten down
but he is much happier now
I recognize my grandfather
or one of his brothers
also the tramp statue
at my grandparent's house
the bum on the park bench
with a loaf of bread
feeding the birds
a benevolent Franciscan smile
the shoe with the open toe
and the hole in the sole


Tuesday, April 24, 2018

I wonder for a moment where that woman went


in Austin
the house
not known to me
of a woman I used to love
walk in
to the kitchen
guy from B'Ham there
washing dishes
was never really friends
with him
he tells me
one hand on my shoulder
friendly like
he fucked my ex
it bothers me
but I don't act like it does
she comes home
surprised to see me there
avoiding me
her son is there
I am a ghost to them
she is unloading groceries
I am out back
there is a shed
or a storage locker
I am trying to unlock
the lock is intricate
doesn't use a key
some elaborate combination
I am unable to figure it out
she comes out
asks what I am doing
clearly doesn't want me there
it seems important
to get the lock open
some lucid dreaming here
to get the lock open
before the dream ends
she laughs at me
says I'll never unlock it
that it's what I deserve
I have to agree
but I don't say anything to her
I understand she's just a distraction
created by the dream
to keep me from working
on the lock
I ignore her
the lock
is a sphere
a compass
with an elaborate sextant
a gyroscope
gears within gears
and I realize
I am suddenly
inside the lock
I wonder
for a moment
where that woman went
and I lose it all
the dream dissolves
and I awake




Sunday, April 22, 2018

Situation with this idiotic woman


on a boat
with a couple
I knew from Bellingham
the husband and I
are on the boat
touring around a bay
rocky cliffs
with a stretch of beach
the wife is on
a strange motorized surfboard
that glides underwater
I am surprised at her agility
she is using a device
that allows her to see underwater
and take photos
it is entirely white
looks military
nautical
we are watching her
from the boat
as she effortlessly glides
close to the rocky cliffs
and around rocks
all while she is
using the underwater viewer


Earlier:

I was in
a junky convenience store
plastic booths
plastic everything
uncleaned areas
trash
I sitting at a booth
watching TV
mostly just wanting
to eat in peace
a woman comes up
feral face
unkempt appearance
asks if she can sit
on the other side of the booth
there are other open seats
I tell her
I would like to be alone
she starts to sit down
opposite of me
frustrated
I get up to move
I turn my back
for a moment
and my wallet and phone
are on the table
when I turn back
I notice quick movement
from the woman
my wallet is gone
I tell her
I know you just stole my wallet
she acts as if
she doesn't hear me
I ask her to give me my wallet
she ignores me
I know without a doubt
you have it
again no response
I am aware
I am dreaming
think
this is exasperating
I don't want to dream this
situation
with this idiotic woman
and I wake up








Saturday, April 21, 2018

I’m laughing about those girls' question about the devil


waiting in a field
an abandoned amusement park
or the site of a bygone world's fair
preparing for a concert
working for the promoters
who seem old old friends
waiting for people to arrive
they are worried no one will show
finally
the crowds trickle in
but older
average people
lawn chairs and beet coolers
buckets of chicken potato salad
the Dallas summer blanket crowds
then I am on a pair of skis
magical skateboard like
moving with amazing ease
through all the people
milling about like cattle
I know others are watching me ski
over dry ground
down broken concrete steps
gliding past obstacles
around and through crowds
all with an inteoxicating freedom
an old friend from work
is around somewhere
frustrated on the ground
another former business associate
is there
I wave casually as I flash by
other people
I am no longer friends with
I can easily move uphill
tracing long graceful effortless arcs
through the dirt and leaves
over water
go up to the bathroom
walking with skis
awkward as an albatross
underneath bleachers
tile floors
a labyrinthine entrance
have to squeeze through
narrow openings
thinking all the old people
will have a hard time
getting back here
there’s only a place for men to pee
out in the open
men and women
milling about
some teenagers want to talk to me
I’m skiing slowly
around crowd
a few middle aged men
try to get in front of me
I’m able to easily
move around them
outside again
more people have shown up
I learn Mary F is here
but don’t see her
skiing around dead leaves
moving further away
from everyone
in another part
of the abandoned park
flooded with water
aquamarine like six flags
places designed for intentional flooding
tiles and submerged fountains
still skiing along below water
the young girls again
stop me want to talk
I am reluctant
say one of them wants to talk to me
I say later
say it’s a quick question
meanwhile an obnoxious
middle aged man is swimming below us
a creep looking at girls
underwater
they say one of them
wants to know what it’s like
to have sold your soul to Satan
I say it’s complex
says one of them
wants to
but is too shy to talk to me
are there any downsides?
I say
there are serious issues
with materialism and desire
they giggle
flirting
the creepy man surfaces
tells the girls
they are going somewhere else
I realize he’s their dad
I want to explain
I have no desire
for the girls
move away
in a junkyard area of the park
momentarily alarmed
that I’ve stepped out of my skis
but see them nearby
find a broken
electric guitar
the neck and fragments
of a yellow Bakelite body
fretboard is odd
frets increase closer to tuning pegs
the guitar is curved
like a sword
or the crescent moon
rainbow fractals
I wonder if it’s playable
thinking someone would buy it
since it was played at Woodstock
look around for more Woodstock memorabilia
keep checking on the skis
as if they are magic shoes
I’m laughing about
those girls' question
about the devil
wondering if I should’ve
answered differently

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

I will be utterly emptied of all of my dreams


down and out in Austin
wandering around the drag
working to gather enough money
for a cup of coffee
see an ad
we will pay
you for your dreams
similar to those ads
for blood or sperm
or to participate in a medical study
I figure
why not
head over to the place
near I35 and 29th
area around Star Seeds
the woman in front
has me fill out forms
tells me
we can only pay
for real dreams
deep sleep dreams
if you are unable
to go into a deep sleep state
then you will not be paid
takes me into a large dim room
low blue light
smell of tech
huge sound studio baffles
hang from the ceiling and walls
cool temp
there are about 50 beds
arranged in a circle
around a center of sophisticated computers
bundles of wires
run from the center
to each bed
IV bags hang over the beds
she takes me to an empty bed
tells me to lie down
places a crown of wet recptors
on my head
hooks up an IV
a light sedative
we cannot interfere with deep sleep
we need you to descend
into the deepest sleep
I lay down
than I am awake
I remember nothing
of my dreams
I feel as if I haven't slept at all
she tells me
that is normal
they have collected
my deep sleep dreams
and therefore
my brain believes
it never went to sleep
and gained none of the benefits
from deep sleep
she gives me some money
says I can come back in three days
but not sooner
I am very tired
wandering around town
in a daze
try to sleep
in the library
but it is as if
all my "sleep juice"
is gone
I return to the lab
after three restless days
go through the process again
again they collect all my dreams
after
I am more tired than before
I tell this to the woman
she recommends
I wait a while longer
to let my body
"regenerate the fluids
necessary for sleep"
it is similar to giving blood
she tells me
it takes a while
to rebuild your reserves
I feel so sleep depreived
I am hallucinating
dreaming while awake
but not the deep sleep dreams
I can lay down
close my eyes
but I can only rest
not truly sleep
I find out the company
sells my dreams
to wealthy clients
it is part of a new health regimine
the more deep sleep dreams
you have
the less likely it is
you will suffer from any
forms of dementia
and your own memory
will be strengthened
it is highly addictive however
more and more
wealthy clients pay
large sums of money
for the finest deep sleep dreams
it turns out my dreams
are excellent and the clients
are asking for more
when I return to the lab
the woman takes me into a private room
and tells me they can pay me more
for my dreams
there's a machine
similar to a high level
floatation tank
she tells me
this is a much finer
collection device
I am so tired
from not having had any dreams
that I agree
she helps me into the tank
I am aware
I will be utterly emptied
of all of my dreams
and wonder
if it is all worth it


Sunday, April 15, 2018

The odd tool to operate on the dead


my mother
is in the dream with me
a reception
or a show
many people I know
Lashley is there
I am happy
for him to meet
my mother
she is happy
to be there
dressed well
I am reading a screenplay
left to me
by a dead writer
the screenplay
is contained in a notebook
with several compartments
boxes that open
and hidden compartments
as I am reading
the words to my mother
they are being
enacted nearby
as if we are both offstage
I turn the page
and there is a box
with a knife
a stone
and an odd tool
filagreed with gold
inlaid with mother of pearl
or ivory heiroglyphs
an antique thing
I can't figure out
its function
my mother suggests
it is used to operate
on the dead
but I can't see how
I am photographing
the stone
which looks like
a large nugget of gold
the light is difficult
and I am moving
the phone around
to get a good angle
when I look back
my mother is gone
she has taken
the odd tool
to operate on the dead



See: http://osteologos.blogspot.com/2018/04/the-lighter.html


Saturday, April 14, 2018

Under a darkening sun


a fragment of a dream,
a single sentence
brought out of the depths...

the adversary smiles
on those bonds formed
under a darkening sun




See: http://osteologos.blogspot.com/2018/04/under-darkening-sun.html

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

The reaper is busy knowing it would just take a moment


in a neighborhood
similar to the Princess Lane area
across the street
from the old house
perhaps there was a party
the night before
and as a consequence
the yard across the street
was trashed
the grass turned up
exposing earth and stone
bottle littered about
I am in charge
of a group of young boys
ages ranging from 6 to 16
maybe a dozen
I might be a father
I line them up
in the torn up yard
and instruct them
on how to walk in a line
and pick up rocks and bottles
to toss them
outside of the yard
they are all unenthusiastic
and easily distracted
but we are laughing and happy
I am doing most of the work
while they engage in horseplay
blaring loud music
comes on from the house
next door
I yell over for them
to turn it down
it's neighborhood kids
just being kids
but the dad comes out
all bowed up
ready to confront me
my kids are watching
the dad is out of shape
and full of impotent rage
not threatening
he reminds me of a bobwhite quail
harrying a reaper out in the field
the reaper is busy
knowing it would just take a moment
to cut the thing in two
but unwilling to break his rhythm


Friday, April 6, 2018

And I seem dead to myself


a party
gathering
at a young woman's house
her parent's house
while they are away
upper class
elegant furnishings
a sense of chaos
within me
as if I am cultivating
being out of control
breaking glasses
laughing through it
at one point
I am given a kind of harnessed
remote control system
to pick the video
or adjust the audio
a device to participate
in a fully immersive
online game
all I want to do
is to change the music
I am on the nice living room
on the overstuffed couch
figuring it out
the rest of the group
are on the kitchen bar
drinking and laughing
a young boy comes in
spoiled overprivileged kid
shows me how to use to harness
but I am not interested
in putting it on
seems designed
for a small child anyway
a woman from Bellingham
comes in with her dog
I am happy to see
a down to earth
unprestentious face
she is friends with
the young woman
who lives here
there is a sense of being set up
like an arranged date
I remember a hedge
of green hollys
deep vermillion
waxy leaves
and cut grass
in the summer air
looking down
on distant memories
swimming at night
in chlorinated pools
water on skin
and I seem dead
to myself






Tuesday, April 3, 2018

I know she's not there


with an old man and woman
we are trying to kill a venomous snake
I am living in a garage apartment
where the garage door opens
to offer access to my bedroom
a snake comes up the driveway
dark green
almost black
with dark red diamond patterns
followed by an old man
who is too close to it
and an old woman
who keeps worrying
about the old man
the snake
perhaps encouraged
by the old man
goes into my apartment
I am throwing objects at it
trying to scare it out of the apartment
the snake goes under the covers
of my pallet
which is a low futon like frame
I can see his shape beneath the covers
the old man grabs a hold
of part of it that it above the covers
and yanks it out
but it finds a hole
near the side
and slips down it
we can see it underneath the frame
it is winding around a tree trunk
making itself flatter and flatter
moving faster and faster
the old man kicks it
and it becomes a snake again
the old man is now too close
the snake has this trick
where it winds around a pole or tree
very fast and throws itself
away from the tree
after it does this again
the old man
steps on its head
the old man does not get bit
but the snake's head
hurts his foot
and he's jumping up and down
saying
gosh dangit that hurt
the snake is mad at him
and turns to strike
but the old man doesn't see it
in the minor pain
of having stepped on its head
I can see the snake open it's mouth wide
and hear it hissing
the old woman and I
are calling out to the old man
to get away
saying
the snake is going to bite you
on the verge of awakening
I hear JGM meow
at the door
but I when I wake up
I know she's not there



Monday, April 2, 2018

His face will be gone and his memories consumed


This is a much older dream
but another one about Lawrence
I drive up
in a convertible car
to a convenience store
in what seems Austin
somewhere around the Drag
Lawrence's old haunts
I see Lawrence standing
in front of the store
anxious and nervous
I am happy to see him
but I know he is dead
I ask him how death
is treating him
he says it's rough
rough as a motherfucker
always hungry
never satisfied, Scot
as always
he is resigned to his fate
I ask if I can get him anything
if he needs any money
he shakes his head
money is no good
they won't let me in the store
and I can't use anything from inside
I ask why he's hanging around
outside of it
what else am I gonna do, he says
I got so much goddamned time
and there's nothing I can do about it
no way to escape it, Scot
you sure there's nothing I can do?
he says
we'll you can try
to get some drugs for me
I say sure
but let me get something to eat
from the store
they won't let you eat here
it's only for the dead
but not for you?
only for the good motherfuckers
I wasn't a good motherfucker
I tell him to get in the car
I try to go inside the store
but the door is locked
the clerk ignores my hammering
on the door
I head back to the car
Lawrence has crawled into the convertible
head first
is searching the carpet
on the passenger's side
for fallen drugs
he is sniffing the carpet feverishly
like a dog
a ravenous animal
his feet are shaking spasmodically
above the headrest
Lawrence
there's nothing down there
this isn't even my car
he ignores me
I see his lower jaw dislocate
and a black snake like demonic creature
emerge from within him
all teeth and dripping flesh
Lawrence's face is folded back
over his skull
like an outer mask slid back
I think
this can't be Lawrence
but then I realize it is
this is him
stripped away of his charm
and intellect and humor
this is the raw hunger
feverish desire
that was always in him
that he wore a mask over
as a disguise
and now here
in this afterlife
with no way to satisfy the hunger
with no friends
with no family
with all the time in the world
the black creature within him
is gradually replacing
the Lawrence I once knew
in a few years
perhaps when I die
and return to this afterworld
I won't even recognize him
he will not longer answer to his name
his face will be gone
and his memories
consumed in the
terrible unquenchable
hunger and desire


The Mexican man is there to kill Lawrence


with JGM
working a new job
some shit job
as a corporate functionary
living in a house
with a bunch of younger people
cramped room
always a lot of music
drugs and parties
in a cramped kitchen
there are 5 gallon water jugs
and smaller containers
I notice all of them
have debris floating
around in them
at some point
Lawrence shows up
of course
knows everyone
it's good to see him
he says he's got to talk to me
about something later
goes in the bathroom
with one of the kids
obviously doing drugs
selling drugs
we are just outside the door
on a cramped couch
an older Mexican man
show up angry
maybe someone's father
tries to barge into the bathroom
I think he wants to fight Lawrence
am worried about a confrontation
the Mexican man seems angry
but refuses to speak
he bangs on the door
Lawrence finally answers
recognizes the man
who is no completely pliant
and opens the door
for him to come into the bathroom
while it all seems all right
there is still a sense
the Mexican man
is there to kill Lawrence


Where you are sleeping?


the night before last
the bars and clubs down the street
were playing music loudly
the bass beats and drums carry
can be heard through the walls
until 2 am

I was dreaming
but I remember nothing about the dream
beyond a figure in the dream
pausing in his performance
breaking the forth wall
so to speak
and asking me
of a sudden
is that music?
where is that sound coming from?
I listened
and understood that he was hearing
the music from outside the dream
leaking through the walls
into the room
where I was sleeping
I reassured him
that's music from the bars
they play it really loud on the weekends
what bars? he asked
the ones down the street
from the house on Valentino
where I am sleeping
where you are sleeping?
he asked as if from a distance
his voice uncomprehending
yes,
I am asleep right now
I am dreaming


Saturday, March 31, 2018

I know he's already gone


a high school friend
who died not long ago
Tom Ellis
and myself
have been traveling
there is a joke
about who packed the lightest
for this particular journey
I have far less
than him
and offer to change luggage
he is competitive
but knows this is impossible
we are in the Student Union at UT
upstairs resting
our bags next to our chairs
we have arrived here
but are going somewhere else
I leave Tom with the bags
and go off to the restroom
it is an old school bathroom
out of Grand Central
man and women together
black and white tiles
attendants in uniforms
I am disoriented
but eventually find what I need
I've been gone a long time
worry about Tom
and my luggage
then go to a coffee shop
in the Union
first floor
standing in a long line
friend Charlie from Bellingham
shows up
knows the barista
a solitary female barista
who is experienced
but taking her time
even with all of the people
we are bantering
with each other
she makes my drink
takes it away to find a lid
the crowd is pushing close to me
not threatening
but too friendly
I make a comment
about the man behind me
trying to have sex with me
the crowd laughs
I look back to reassure him
and he is gone
replaced with a man
I am supposed to know
Charlie says everyone knows him
I act like I do
but I don't
the barista is still fumbling around
I apologize
say I am in a hurry
and need to go
she and everyone
is taken aback
by my rudeness
I dissemble
but I have broken the friendly spell
she gives me my drink
I realize I've been gone a long time
and am concerned about Tom
worried that he may be upset
that he left without me
as I walk up the stairs
to where I had last seen him
I know he's already gone




Thursday, March 29, 2018

I drop the creature on the floor


In a warehouse
backroom wooden structure
filled with attic memories
walking amongst the sheet covered items
with Michael C.
a local music writer
discussing an estate sale
talking about Jennifer
I am making an initial assessment
as we walk through
he is riffing on objects
here and there
as they spark associations
a subtle interrogation
as I add my own thoughts to his
these are not his possessions
but a collection acquired
from many legendary musicians
Brooks B. appears
he and Michael are talking
reminiscing about the old days
Willie and Pootie
as they talk
I find an elaborate box
Japanese design on the lid
opening the box
I discover
plum branches
layered over one another
their leaves still green
looking closer
I note the leaves are sealed up
each branch holds a green chrysalis
as I hold it in my palm
I can feel something within awaken
and can see the thin membrane
of the chrysalis being pushed out
from the inside
I try to interrupt Michael and Brooks
to show them
but they are in a heated discussion
brown and black hairs pierce
through the membrane
transforming into
a large caterpillar
now Brooks and Michael
are paying attention
Brooks mentions his album
and I respond in a manner
to let him know I have listened to it
but it is clear
Michael has not
I cover for Michael
Brooks reaches into the box
and retrieves another branch
the chrysalis bursting forth
with another massive caterpillar
sense of something venemous
malevolent in the chaos of the hairs
splitting through the green membrane
Brooks laughs
not comprehending any menace
and says
it's a box full of spare mustaches
for him
(Brooks has large bushy mustaches)
we all laugh
I drop the creature on the floor
just before
it could sting me





Tuesday, May 9, 2017

My memory in other minds


a wedding
a ceremony
in an old mansion
a huge bar
hundreds of people
shifting between why
at times
I am working
getting people drinks
taking care of food
other times
everyone is there
to celebrate
an event related to me
it is late
one more round of drinks
for everyone
guests returning
after having departed
for other events
the light is golden
nostalgic
amber memory
infused each moment
old friends
I haven't seen in years
like moths
to a flame
blood in the pit
are slowly walking
in from the darkness
we are cleaning up
last call
in the Gardens of the West
I am on the microphone
giving thanks
to all those guests
who have come from so far
who have attended the ceremony
more drinks
resignation
the night will go on
into morning hours
reopening the cabinets of drink
the mood is somber
it is a last night
no one wants
to wake up tomorrow
as long as we keep drinking tonight
we won't have to
I am sober
silent
standing
amidst the reclining groups
those milling
sitting on the floor
some slowly dancing
alone and with another
distant music
as if from across a lake
on a summer night
am I being called forth
I want to say a final farewell
on the microphone
but know it doesn't matter
the music
is ethereal
that last sad quartet
on the deck of a sinking ship
I am amongst the dead
going through the
meaningless motions
of the role I played in life
a ghost
attending
haunting
lingering
my own wake
my memory
in other minds
sustaining my presence here

Saturday, May 6, 2017

The other woman ghostly at the table


at a lake in Texas with JGM
storms over the last few days
one approaching
we are preparing something
others are here
a family with several teenaged girls
one has gone missing
I am working to fold up
a large tarp or blanket
before the rain
the wind is ripping it around
and the lake is choppy
waves washing up
onto the pier
where I am standing
JGM takes off into the woods
looking for the young girl
after a time
I worry about here
I watch through the trees
for sign of her
the skies are darkening
cold heavy drops of rain
are falling
I can see her
coming through the leaves
under the thick trees
along the shoreline
she says
I found something weird
all the weeds in the garden
have holes bored into their centers
and poison has been dripped
into the holes
suddenly
I know
the father is the one who has done this
and he is the one
who has raped and killed
his own daughter
buried her out in the woods
JGM is sitting at a table
on the pier with me
I tell her
a long time ago
I knew one of the daughters
and she told me he had raped her
JGM's eyes widen with horror and shock
then I see the father
rising up from behind her
he has heard everything
now there is another woman
at the table next to JGM
the father is walking
towards us like an automaton
his face in a frozen rictus of rage
hands and fingers out-stretched
JGM sees the fear in my face
and turns
as the other woman
ghostly at the table
stares straight ahead
knowing everything that happened
and is going to happen







Friday, May 5, 2017

He used to be famous


Pisa
World War II
a plaza with makeshift cages
rows and rows of cages
GIs walk by
dressed sharply in uniform
some with Italian Women
they pass a cage
inside an Old Man
the GI has been holding a cat
he holds it into the cage
the Old Man shambles over
takes the cat
pets it lovingly
then he suddenly
bites into its neck
transforms into a ravening beast
blood and fur everywhere
the woman is horrified
is crying out
the Old Man retreats
to the corner of his cage
back to the couple
tearing into the cat's body
the woman is in tears
the GI is smiling
why? she asks him
he tells her
you'll find out tomorrow
the next day
they are again strolling
past the cages
they stop at the cage
of the Old Man
the woman is anxious
doesn't want to look
the GI urges her to
inside all the parts of the cat
bones organs muscle fur
have been arranged on the floor
in a pattern of ineffable beauty
against her will
because it it still horrible
the woman is enraptured
by the destruction
reconstruction
of the cat
it's so beautiful
the Old Man
pays them no mind
hunches over in the corner
muttering to himself
in a way
she says
it almost redeems
the horrible death of the animal
I know
says the GI
we've been doing it for months
it's really something
why's he a prisoner
ask the woman
he was a poet
says the GI
he's been accused of treason
he used to be famous
name's Ezra Pound