Saturday, December 26, 2015

The duration of that whistled song

the emblem of the dream
created to remember
ossifies within the dream
within which it was observing
an enormous skull cathedral
transformed by the dream
edges turning into balconies
spires and bell towers
rising from the dome
ornately carved doorways
where each tooth once
shook in its socket
around this grows a world
pools of aqua blue water
under the cranial dome
now painted with allegorical frescoes
the floor is pink marble
and statues carved from coral
smooth as jade
represent other memories
in another dream made
two women are seducing me
one old and one young
sisters mothers daughters
each playing off the other
to distract me from the dream
I am holding in my memory
their arms and limbs
wind around my body
hot pink flesh tentacles
each a long tongue
with gasping vaginas
whispering my name
sucking on my skin
all seeming to say the same thing
forget forget forget
abandon to oblivion
drink deeply from our lips
forget forget forget
as the tongues and vaginas
lick and lick and lick
I imagine this dream
as a pulsing diorama
in the center of the skull
as I look down from the hole
at the top of the dome
like looking into
an Easter sugar egg
I can see myself remembering
staring up from between
the tentacles and limps
into my own eye looking in
looking in to
the remembered emblem
of my skull cathedral
but having forgotten
the reason why I created it
again the child whistling
during the crucifixion
and that melody is all that remains
the vague sense that something
tremendous happened
in the duration
of that whistled song

Thursday, December 24, 2015

This world drifts away also, another dream begins

forced myself to remain to remain in bed
to sleep as long as possible
i was content after 12 hours
many many dreams
deliberately not remembered
catching fish
in the net
pulling it in closer to the boat
grasping hold of one of them
holding it in the hand
still under the water
gazing upon its beauty
relaxing the grip
allowing the fish to slip away
the dream to disappear
with a flash of silver light
lightning in a mirror
slight troubling of the water
watching until my reflection
returns to the surface
turning away again
this world drifts away also
another dream begins

somewhere in here
my father
calls me on the phone

when I finally awoke
my thoughts were on
a story I wrote long ago
about a time
when the letters
of the alphabet
roamed free
like animals

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

I think he damaged a building and set it on fire

in an exclusive mall
fashion show event
models singing
in display windows
I am walking around
concerned some of the models
are not able to sing as well
but there is built in failure
models deliberately singing weakly
to set up highly talented singers
hidden amongst them
coming off the elevators
to a lower floor
a model in a glass display window
in a gold dress
her voice on speakers
all around the vast complex
at first
she sounds weak
but then busts out
with a huge voice
the person with me
is laughing with joy

shift to gulf beach landscape
bright blue skies
white sandy earth
fishing piers
corrugated tin boathouses
baking in a shadowless sun
Dr. Dre is filming a music video
with Snoop Dog
there is animosity and tension
Dre is upset
and those around him
are trying to calm him
I am in the boathouse
an impartial observer
I can see Snoop
from the back
as he pantomimes singing
for the video
he does his part
then walks off to the trees
Dre is laughing and mad
saying Snoop was deliberately
flexing his abs
in a way he wouldn't do for his mama
acting in a fake fashion
now I watching the video
from the front
but can't see Snoops abs
or hear any singing
there is a high pitched tone
in the atmosphere
large cliques of music people
a phone keeps ringing
someone says to ignore it
I answer it
then am riding down an alley
with a kid on a bike
carrying a beat-up axe
the kid is talking into the phone
about what to do with the axe
sirens in the background
the kid is asking
someone back at Dre's
if he should return the axe
I hear Dre saying to get rid of it
the kid is searching
for a good dumpster
to throw it in
sirens closer
the kid tosses the axe
in the most obvious dumpster
it will be found
up ahead
flashing lights
and fireman in reflective coats
there is no way out
except to go forward
the kid is going
to be caught
I think he damaged a building
and set it on fire

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

I wonder if I am the cause of all these troubles

active and dynamic dreams
throughout the night
disciplining myself
to not allow the part of me
that wants to remember
to shape the dream
in the process of remembering
the observer always altering
the thing he is observing
the faint mental pressures
upon my part
to stay as far away
from the dream
as possible
standing in the outer dark
liminal zones
the figures in the dream
begin to act suspiciously
towards me
as if they know
I am up to something
trying too hard to not try
to do anything
an old girlfriend
who is an attorney
is questioning me
a casual interrogation
about where I have been
and what I have been up to
at first
it seems to be generated
out of a pleasant curiosity
then out of jealousy
but there is no reason
for her to be jealous
and I sense
the questioning
is coming from a deeper doubt
later I am in a park
with another friend
who is avoiding a woman
who wants him to cheat
on his wife
who he is faithful to
walking around the park
avoiding the woman
he's on the phone with his wife
she feels like
something is going on
he complains to me
his anxiety about the other women
who is pursuing him
has caused his wife
to become suspicious
we are coordinating a meeting
to reconcile this with her
everyone in the park
is now suspicious of us
and I wonder if I am the cause
of all these troubles

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Try to ride away but it won't start

with Jennifer
and a group of Austin people
it is the morning after
an event we all went to
hungover Austin morning
early summer
cars parked in the yard
st augustine
already hot
smell of water on concrete
Jennifer gets the group
headed to a Mexican food place
down near campus
early 80s Austin
gravel and dirt roads
the place is packed
I don't want to go
but she tells me
but everything is inexpensive
and the food is really good
we are huddled around a table
I'm not impressed
with the food
and small portions
I go up to the counter
for more water
and the slacker type guy there
charges me .99 cents
I don't say anything
but am indignant
about paying for water
I go outside
and find a broken down scooter
try to ride away
but it won't start

As Homer drives recklessly through a cartoon world

in a car
being driven by
Homer Simpson
cartoon world
but I don't seem
to be a cartoon
Homer is mad at Bart
who is in the backseat with me
he calls Bart an asshole
and hands me the key
to the car
it is also a screwdriver
and I turn Bart over
and say
since you're such an asshole
we are going to find your asshole
Bart says,
cool, I never knew
I had an asshole
I unscrew
a hidden plate
on his butt
as Homer drives
through a cartoon world

Friday, December 18, 2015

Looking for a way to gracefully exit

at the Temple Bar
here in Bellingham
with the owner
helping to organize
the showing of an experimental film
invitations have been sent out
there is an air of exclusivity
to everything
a limited showing
only a select crowd
I keep forgetting times and dates
and the owner
jokes with me about it
but is getting exasperated
shortly before the film starts
I realize I have forgotten
to invite any of the people
I said I would
and know that I cannot stay
but I don't mention this
to the owner
since it would just be
one more thing I had forgot
and she is concerned about seating
and limited space
I am holding a few invitation / tickets
looking for a way to
gracefully exit

The baby hippos were hiding in its shadow

a large indoor pool
perhaps a flooded ballroom
or expansive hotel banquet room
swimming in or through the water
with a female companion
indistinct identity
the water is clear aqua blue
like that of a swimming pool
we come upon a large black
model of a whale
a poorly constructed representation
but I have a suspicious fear
the representation could change
into a real and terrifying whale
through the alchemy of the dream
my friend is playing around
with the mouth and teeth
and I urge her to caution
just then I notice
a group of shadows
under the whale's belly
starts shifting
I pull my friend away
from the whale
and suggest we swim away
we look down
and beneath us is a
group of baby hippopotamuses
walking along the floor
they are black
moving quickly
remind me of excrement
I feel this is an ominous sigh
we swim towards a garden area
and climb out of the water
there are a lot of servants
or hotel workers here
they don't approve of our swimming
but can't really say anything about it
we walk into a kitchen
and the cooks are upset
that one of the workers
has been found dead
on the grounds
I feel guilty about this
even though I had nothing
to do with it
my companion is unconcerned
I think about the black whale we saw
and how it seemed the baby hippos
were hiding in its shadow

Thursday, December 17, 2015

There is an opening in the darkness

with an bow and arrow gun
trying to memorize the sky
and photograph
the arrow against a
growing darkness
before the light is gone
running underneath a bridge
holding the bow and arrow
in my right hand
not knowing how
I could take the photograph
with my left
there is an opening
in the darkness
of the sky
the light hurts
my eyes

Oblivious to any inhospitable messages

at a grocery store
with a female friend
which morphs between
several different women
as if we had been traveling
stopping to get supplies
buying a ton of food
I kept getting different foods
to surprise her
at the checkout
complicated lines
and long waits
found a free cashier
he seems unbalanced
but conspiratorial
takes the hot sauce
and places it in a large glass bowl
that had a used red candle
in the bottom half
I was concerned the hot sauce
would smell like
the fragrance from the candle
but he acted as if
they did this all of time
I also remembered to get
cigarettes for the woman
seemed important
perhaps the entire reason
we were at the store
walking to the place
we were staying
which was the house
of a guy I know
JM from Bellingham
and his girlfriend
it is dark and raining
the woman I am with
runs on ahead to get dinner ready
I then meet a man
who has a living yellow leopard
made out of a type of wax
he asks me if
I think the leopard
is ripe enough to eat
I touch it
and it is like a melon
the skin on one of its legs is split
and I tell him
I think its ready
JM from Bellingham
is there now
we head back to his house
it is clear he forgot
he had offered us a place to stay
and was bummed
that we were now
going to be at house
we stop on the corner
in front of his place
there is a lot of traffic
the rain is steadily falling
and it is cold
on the concrete
in front of his place
are tiny yellow creatures
similar to the yellow leopard
they all seem miserable
in the way that animals do
to be out in the weather
huddled together shivering
there are three types
of these creatures
one the unrolls itself
like a flattened hose
another like tiny cartoon dinosaurs
and one like an Escher chameleon
they are all a waxy yellow
with spherical black eyes
the people in the cars
drive by in amazement
there is no cage or barrier
but they remain confined
to the concrete space
JM and I are waiting before going in
I am concerned one of them
may try to bite me
then the woman runs out of the house
through the animals to us
and grabs the hot sauce candle bowl
and runs back in
I follow
JM's girlfriend is a room
adjacent to the kitchen
watching TV
but with a blanket
that has been tacked up over the door
so she doesn't have to see us
again I sense we are unwelcome
the woman is preparing
a huge dinner for all of us
oblivious to any inhospitable messages

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Moving in a black blur of fury and violence

there is a party
a celebration
for me
or concerning me
preparations are being made
in a large luxurious house
extended family
going to the store
for supplies
others arriving and helping out
an overall atmosphere of joy
I am walking around
with my shirt off
and this feels natural and fine
wearing blue jeans
and boots
there is a group of younger people
buzzed haircuts
and green and blue
dye jobs
tattoos with script writing
running up their legs
others are arriving
for the celebration
in long stretch limos
others using similar limos
to go to the store
sometimes it is raining
me and group of others
are running for one of the limos
in the rain
and it takes off
before we get there
loses control
and spins around 360
in the street
narrowly missing
another parked limo
but it is fine
we all laugh
someone even caught it
on their phone
the only shadow
within the dream
is a gorilla like animal
that morphs back and forth
at times into a wolf
I know how to deflect it
and almost play with it
but I know it is a deadly game
I walk into a room
still with no shirt
there are a lot of guests now
many well dressed and made up
amongst them
is a woman
who has had difficulties
with me
and wished
to have nothing to do
with me
in any way
I am surprised to see her there
but I don't mention this
go over to the chair
where she is sitting
and say hello
she doesn't get up
but purses her lips
as an invitation for me
to bend down and kiss her
this seems strange and awkward
considering our history
but I do it
and then quickly wonder
if that was appropriate
or if I misread her
but she seems fine
as I walk away
I am suddenly self-conscious
of not wearing a shirt
and smile to think
of what my mother
would say about me
walking around a formal party
with no shirt on
I go into a nice bedroom
and a large elegant
dressing room
to find a shirt to wear
my stepfather is there
having just returned from Europe
with a fine leather briefcase
he opens it to
and I see how everything
is perfectly organized
and tucked into
appropriate places
I am immediately aware
that an attack
by the gorilla wolf creature
is imminent
and know
I need to wait
to put the shirt on
until after it has attacked
I can see it coming
from across the room
moving in a black blur
of fury and violence
I am not worried

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Where the Indian's head had been carved into a skull

it is happening
more frequently
the effect of remembering
the dream
while dreaming
seeds another dream
based on this remembrance

there were three mnemonic images
I grasped onto while dreaming:

a portrait of death in red
people naked in the moonlight
a dollar coin imprinted with "There Is No Telling"

each manifested several dreams
as I focused on them
the original dream
buried under
subsequent retellings

I was in a beach house
open windows
on an edge of the dunes
wooden stairways
ocean breezes
lifting the light curtains
a woman there
I was painting her portrait
outside in a garden
were bright red flames
growing in rows
each with an object
I could not figure
moving inside of the fire
the woman went out
into the garden
and collected the flames
gave to them to me
to place on my palette
to use while painting her
partway through this process
I understood
the woman was death
and the red flames
I was using for paint
were souls she had collected
I wasn't upset by this
it felt as if she and I were
hiding away from the world
in our isolated beach house

then there was an apartment complex
old and weathered
with a central courtyard
some confusion
over where I was going to stay
the people there
were open and free
elements of the early hippie movement
but in a mature way
in the central courtyard
there were huge stones
with water running
all around them
the people were naked
laying with no shame
on the stones
under the light
of a full moon
everything was bathed in blue
and the people
all appeared beautiful
some were making love
other casually caressing each other
I walked amongst them
alone and distant

as I thought about
these two dreams
while dreaming
a silver dollar coin
appeared before me
it was unusual
and i suspected
it was fake
perhaps hollow
along the top arc
of the circle was written
in capital letters:
I studied the coin
to see how the words
had been carved out of the metal
thinking of Indian nickels
I had seen
where the Indian's head
had been carved
into a skull

Monday, December 14, 2015

The old faceless lady is walking in circles in an empty bedroom

dramas involving spies
double agents
not knowing
what anyone's true intentions are
in a red car
a friend in the back seat
who is trying to hide
there is a white and black cat
sitting in the front seat
the driver's side window
is solid red
made out of metal
I warn someone
not to let the cat out

an old girlfriend
and her son
who I have not seen
in many years
wanting to say
how good it is to see her
but it never comes out right
she's either moving into
of moving out of a house
I am helping her
pack and unpack
it is all chaotic
I find mail addressed to me
on her floor
mixed in with old bills
and letters from courts
about upcoming trials
her hair changes
from black to blonde
and back again
her son is there
often with unseen friends
I want to make amends
be friendly with him
he has a respiratory infection
I speculate it may be the house
and tell a long story
about switching gyms
in Santa Fe
how it improved my breathing
he listens politely
but is not impressed

there is an older woman
helping out
who does not have a face
there is a head of hair
with no features
she is about 4' tall
dressed in old robes
with her is a piglike dog
that keeps shoving its snout
against my legs

after everyone leaves
I expect to spend time
with the girlfriend
but she disappears into her bedroom
and I sleep in what I believe
is the son's room
I lay there unable to sleep
aware that I am dreaming
wondering what
she thinks of all this
of being in my dream
perhaps against her will
and seeing me again

the next morning
I am tired from not having slept
and attempt to talk to her
about everything
going on around
but the son comes in
and the old faceless lady
is walking in circles
in an empty bedroom
the old girlfriend
looks at me
for just a moment
as if she understands
the only moment
in the entire dream
where she actually looks at me
and tells me
she has to go
help the old lady
find her way back home

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Some wretched and terrible thing having been finally uncovered

I had the entirety
of my dream
fixed in memory
with a few mnemonic markers

I stood up
to use the bathroom
thinking other thoughts
laid back down
and it was suddenly
but not absent
as if a black line of redaction
had been drawn through
the most of it

like the boy whistling
during the crucifixion
and all that is remembered
is that whistling melody
nothing else

in the dream
I was the personification
of that part of my mind
which held sacred
certain areas of my brain
kept them pure
would not allow viruses in
such as advertising jingles
and marketing memes
images and language
from pornography
and popculture

I attended lawyerly like meetings
with two other beings
perhaps also personifications
where I argued for the sanctity
of these protected and sacred areas
natural sanctuaries of the brain
from exploitation and development
by those who were only seeking
their own selfish interests
and not looking out for the interests
of those aspects of my persona
that were not able to speak for themselves
either because they lacked
access to language
or where occupied with higher activities
and could not be expected
to be pulled away
to attend to these quotidian matters

and that was it
as much as
my memory
can now grasp
of what I know
was a rich and complex world
a novels' worth of discrete detail
and subtlety that
I can no longer access

those two other beings with me
had a vital importance
I am unable to discern now
guardians, companions
or military escorts
and that redaction process
feels like something
I was not supposed to see

the notion of the mind parasites
is readily at hand
as of a presence within me
that does not have my best interests
as the reasons for its actions
better to sleep and forget
allow these images
to sink back down
into darkness
to not increase
the interior illumination

along these lines
it is worth remarking
upon an experience yesterday
I was walking around Lake Padden
under the dark grey skies
of the evening
the wind blowing strong
over the water and through the tall trees
there was an ominous quality
to the atmosphere
I was on the backside
in a gloomy part of the woods
that surround the lake
working on memory practice
the books of the old testament
I kept going over the last few books
and the associated mnemonics:

32.  Jonah   Jonah Made Ninevah Heed
33.  Micah
34.  Nahum
35.  Habakkuk
36.  Zephaniah  Zebras Have Zebra Mamas
37.  Haggai
38.  Zechariah
39.  Malachi

I was reciting the books
out loud
over and over
like an incantation
wrapping my tongue
around the odd names
on the side of the path
was a black
deep green creature
the size of a small man
with yellow eyes
snake fanged mouth
huddled down there
like an evil spring
with a terrible violence

the shock of this
sent adrenaline surging
through my body
all my hairs standing
instantly on end
as I jumped back
startled and ready
to flee for my life

all of this
in the time it took
to see this fiendish thing
out of the corner
of my eye
then shift to the center
where it became
a black rock
covered in green moss

I walked on
my breath taken away
glancing back
at the place where
I had seen this
evil creation
on the side of the path

for the remainder of the walk
I was rattled
keeping close watch
on the dark shadows
in the woods
and behind the trunks
of the huge trees
moaning in the wind
my thoughts were infected
with an almost
theological fear
and the words of Job
kept whispering
to me
over and over:

Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind, and said,
Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?

the rest of the day
counter to my usual practice
I tried to not remember
the fear that had possessed me
but it remained
like a shock in my bones
in the way that a huge bulldozer
working steadily to move tons of soil
from around an ancient structure
has many of its bolts and screws
loosened by a sudden impact
with an immovable object
something enormous
some wretched
and terrible thing
having been
finally uncovered

Saturday, December 12, 2015

The contents of the message

alcohol almost blanked out
any memory of dreams
except for one image
a large hotel
where an important man
was staying
he was known for
having carrier pigeons
deliver messages to him
there are two glass doors
going into the hotel
monogrammed insignia
painted in frosted sections
and frosted glass handles
on the doors
on one of these handles
is a white carrier pigeon
waiting for the door to open
so he can fly inside
and deliver the message
what in interesting about this pigeon
is its eyes are forward facing
like a human or an ape
gives it a cute cartoonish look
but it also appears
worried and sad
as if it knows
the contents of the message

Friday, December 11, 2015

Left in the graveyard with the man they killed

an extremely active night of dreaming
memories of several dreams
and dreaming in response to dreams
periodic lucidity throughout

first dream
was of a man that died
father figure
respected man
was with a woman
perhaps his daughter
some suspicion
surrounding the events
of his death
the daughter confiding in me
while I am wondering
if I did it and
do not remember

the next dream is an alibi
for the first
wondering if I killed this man
in one dream
led me to fabricate
an alibi
for where I was when he died
note this is the same timeline
I went back in time
in the timeline of the first dream
to recreate where I was
and what I was doing
and this seemed to me
just an active process of remembering
but remembering in a dream
events that may or may not have been dreamed
creates its own dream

the sense the following dreams
are elaborations of this alibi

then I am in small
cluttered apartment
similar to east 52nd in Austin
with a woman
we are lovers or friends
perhaps the daughter
of the man who was killed
sepia tone
coming in from the blinds
just outside the window
is a lot of activity
neighbors moving
or having a lot of family over
we are in a messy bedroom
perhaps we had been doing drugs
I mention
I want to have sex
and the woman
sort of fake reluctant
but agrees
goes to get a giant dildo
I think in my head
that's not what I want
now it is also clear
she is involved with someone else
she uses the dildo on him
it is covered in his excrement
she is washing it off in the bathroom
while I am searching for drugs
that were in a pile
of packages and wrappers
but I don't find the drugs
and the woman
says she can't get the stains
off the dildo

in the next dream
I am in an old camaro
with a detective
who is investigating the murder
we are following a bus
this is a futuristic bus
that has the capacity
to drive itself
although someone is driving it now
it is patched up and
has been repaired many times
something out of science fiction
he knows the criminals
are on the bus
at a stoplight
we get out
reprogram the bus
on a pad inside a door
on the back of the outside of the bus
the bus is rolling to leave
and we open a door
and hop on
as if we are passengers
now I am alone
and I am the detective
the driver knows
what I look like
but I am sitting funny
to throw him off
with my legs to the side of me
pulled up in the seat
but it is still clear
he knows who I am
and we are playing
at not knowing each other
for the moment
one of the criminals
notes that the bus is
going off route
we go into a graveyard
there is a funeral
for a boy who was burned
many of the gravestones
have burn marks on them
burned angels
the bus stops
in front of a recent grave
it the grave of the old man
the criminals were responsible
for his death
I get out
and now the detective
is separate from me again
the old camaro is there
and a ghoulish groundskeeper
who is pretending to sweep up dirt
he smiles at me conspiratorially
the car starts automatically
and the detective and I get in
and drive away
much to the dismay of the criminals
who too late realize
they have been left
in the graveyard with the man they killed

Thursday, December 10, 2015

I am remembering a dream as part of another dream

I am in Tibet
with a woman
who is not unfamiliar to me
an amalgam of several women
we decide to go our separate ways
during the course of a day
I decide to walk up to a temple
where I have been before
I begin to walk along a path
that is beside a road
soon the path
diverges further from the road
and becomes more rugged
however it is clear
the path is well-worn
and I figure the local population
must walk up it often
I see what I believe to be quartz
embedded in rich veins in the earth
I think about grabbing some
to show to the woman
but then decide not to
I continue upward
the way is becoming
more and more steep
at one point
it so steep
almost vertical
I am fearful
and think about turning back
but then to the left side
I see another well-worn path
that is manageable
soon I am on a concrete walkway
and going past a school
walking into a small village
where I have been recently
I recognize an open park area
with a concrete basketball court
and a cafe on the other side
as I approach
there is a man dancing
whirling like a dervish
with another woman
while an older woman watches
with obvious lust
pumping her hips obscenely
while she watches the man
I move on the to cafe
where I am given a set of photographs
of others who are going to the temple
one of is of
a man and woman with their heads
in a tube like leather bag
the bag is sealed up around their necks
I am told they are eating a cat
the other photographs are of
men and women in a variety to
bizarre sexual acts
most of the photos are sepia
from a long time ago
I find some drugs
and a little brown bottle
and am trying to use them
but the bottle falls over
and the drugs keep getting misplaced
then I remember the temple
and start walking up to it again
in this moment
I became aware
I am dreaming
there is a wave of pleasure
washing through my body like tides
I work to remember the dream
going back over the sequence of events
and understanding the meaning
this excites me
and I think about waking up
to write it all down
but know I will remember it
I can sense my memory
having fixed the elements and sequence
setting them into a place
where I will be able to find them when I awake
a short time later
I am dreaming another dream
and thinking about remembering it
when I remember the previous dream
about walking to the temple
has already been set aside
I recall it while I am dreaming
going back over it again
and then realize
I am remembering a dream
as part of another dream
another wave of pleasure
surges through me

I turn again and can find no way out of the water

there are two women
one is an ex-lover
the other is a friend
I am spending time with the friend
while the ex-lover is out
with another man
the friend and I
are at her house
watching a movie
but we both know
I am thinking
about the ex-lover
and the guy she is with
the friend and I are in her room
when the ex-lover arrives
back to the house
with her guy
I decide to leave
the ex-lover tells me
to not be silly
we are out in the garage
I am climbing over
all sorts of obstacles to get away
she is talking to me
but her face is funny
and I know she has been taking drugs
I finally find my bicycle
and walk it out of the garage
and I am in back of the Inwood House
where my grandparent's lived
and I grew up
I am heading back to the Princess House
where my parent's lived
and I also grew up
I am looking forward
to one last ride across Dallas
in the early morning

then I am up in the mountains
at a ski lodge
I get on a snowmobile
which I do not know
how to ride
there is a tournament going on
I am not in it
but it is going to start soon
I ride conservatively
staying in the well worn paths
getting the hang of the snowmobile
there are a few high ramps
and I choose to take the bypass around them
I am gaining confidence
and make a few jumps and turns
then get off the path somehow
I turn around a tree
and realize I am in deep water
I try to turn back the way I came
and the water is everywhere
the snowmobile is still going
but it is slowly sinking
I turn again
and can find no way out of the water
the snowmobile has no traction
and I am embarrassed
that the organizers of the tournament
who trusted me to be safe
on the snowmobile
will now have to rescue me
and recover the snowmobile
from the depth of the water
where it will be sunk

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

To go as fast as I can and jump high into the air

I have a platform cart
I am responsible for
a rolling flat car trolley
with family and friends
at a picnic or estate sale
collecting trash
other possessions
to be thrown away
up a green hill
to another campsite
several trash bins
next to a rowdy group
having a picnic
as I am dumping my trash
and picking up other trash
around the bins
a man approaches me
with a false innocence
and starts becoming antagonistic
I reply to him
as innocuously as I can
others gather around
trying to calm him down
he is upset I am using
the public trash cans near him
without asking his permission
but then realizes I am much bigger than him
he comments on my size and strength
now a park ranger policeman
is standing with the crowd
he leaves me alone
I continue to empty my trolley cart
throwing away sentimental
but valueless possessions
cassette tapes, letters, medals, pens
there is a brief pang
a worry someone might want these
but I clear everything off the trolley
now I am in a big mall
maybe in Washington DC
monumental landscapes
my ex-wife or first love
is in another building
I exit the mall with my trolley
I push it from behind
it is about six feet long and three feet wide
with a rising handle on the end
where I push
I start running very fast
with no effort
running for the sheer joy of running
I come to a set of stairs
leap off of them into the sky
like a skateboarder
there is a moment of anxiety
that sense of falling in a dream
the trolley is dipping down
but I control it
I am about 30 ft in the sky
and I land gracefully
trolley and all
and continue to run
as fast as I can
in the distance
sitting in the middle
of a vast concrete expanse
is Miley Cyrus
from the Wrecking Ball video
she is in a chair
looks surreal to me
even in the dream
like a figure from a Dali painting
I run straight for her
as I get closer
I see it is a girl on her stomach
like a Sphinx
taking photographs of something behind me
I continue towards here
at a high speed
then I swing the trolley in the gravel
like snow skiing
to break my speed and slow
I move past her
and into through the double glass doors
of another mall
where my ex-wife or first love
is waiting
I stop once I am inside
she is irritated
because she has to wait
to go through a security line
where they are checking bags
and identification
she can't find her ID
and is getting more and more pissed
then she finds it
I want to get outside
to run again with the cart
to go as fast as I can
and jump high into the air

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Collecting images and setting them aside to be discovered later

the room
here in Bellingham
outside my door
I see a creature
looking in
watching me
studying me
I am at the end of a long hallway
struggling against a gravity
that keeps me in place
I want to confront the creature
outside the door
but I am held
by invisible bonds
as if I were in a world
full of viscous fluid
the creature is now rattling the knob
its head is a surreal polygon
another shifting polygon inside of this
is a mouth full of isosceles triangles
stalks like those of a snail
are what I presume to be eyes
sensory appendages
as forbidding as the creature is
I am not certain
if it is friend or foe
what its intentions are
as I struggle to move
I become aware
I am dreaming
and make mental notations
of the dream
to be re-collected later
the creature is still active
outside the door
and I am still struggling
but another part of me
is collecting images and
setting them aside
to be discovered later

I wake up
go to the bathroom
mentally reminding myself
of the dream
I go back to sleep
begin to dream again
another dream
but I choose not to remember it
because I am interested
in the previous dream
I had set aside
not the dream itself
but the space within my mind
where the image elements
of the dream to be remembered
had been placed
while dreaming another dream
I paused to ask myself
if I need to wake up
and write the previous dream down
like a man in a curio shop
going over to a table
where he had previously placed
a few unusual objects
to be examined later
I knew
I would be able to return
to that same table
look at those objects
and remember their significance
a comforting aura
of potential remembrance
surrounded these thoughts

I am reminded now
of when I first learned
a new fundamental truth
in elementary school
for instance,
the relationship
between division and multiplication
12 things divided 3 times resulted in 4 sections
a / b = x
and 12 is equivalent to 3 of (times) those 4 sections
a = xb
the inverse relationship between the two
a / b has a solution in a = xb
I had learned
an algebraic axiom
that was true for any number substituted
and I remember how
it "dawned" upon me as a kid
that "of course, that's true!"

as to what the mnemonic axiom
is for setting aside a set of memories
within a dream
to be recollected later
I am unable to articulate
but I believe I am on the verge of
learning something
fundamental about the process
of remembering dreams
and of memory itself

Monday, December 7, 2015

The experience was ruined

with a former lover of mine
at a swimming pool complex
there were several large pools
and smaller shallower ones
we were standing in a smaller one
the water aqua blue
she put on a mask
and went underwater
she started casually swimming closer
I could tell
she was going to
playfully grab my legs
I jumped back to escape her
and did a slow motion turn
when I looked back
she was still under the water
coming for my legs again
then I saw a man
who also had on a mask
who was swimming above her
neither apparently saw the other
as she ascended to get me
they collided
and were briefly entangled
I could tell her bathing suit top
had come off
she had large breasts
and now we were out of the pool
they were somehow in the air
while I was on the deck
and she fell quickly
away from the masked man
who I could see now was naked
and had a slight erection
she went feet first
into the deep end of another pool
this pool was a deep green color
I watched with concern
from the deck
as she went all the way to the bottom
but then I could tell
she did that to pull her top
back over her breasts
I watched with relief
when she rose back to the surface
when she was out of the water
she looked suspiciously around
for the masked man
who was gone
I said something joking
but the mood had changed
something had happened
with the masked man
I thought about asking her
what he did or tried to do
but it seemed better
to just not mention it
she seemed distracted
and I felt like
the experience was ruined

Sunday, December 6, 2015

The unconcealed radiance of being

Walking with friends
morphing between male friends
and J___
they are moving out
or moving in
to a fluid house
walking up a hill
with a rough path
through abandoned houses
graveyards and weird totems
I am asked
if I remember
having come this way before
at first I do not
I am told
we are heading to a historical house
where one of the Kennedys once lived
Teddy Roosevelt's cannons
are out in front
and then I seem to remember
we are now approaching a row of houses
vacant and empty
we have to cross a small ravine
above it is a mesh walkway
made by ancient peoples
it is covered in dried leaves
and small bones and skulls
it sits just a few feet above the ground
but evidently worked as a form of protection
the Smithsonian is trying to preserve it
so we are walking carefully over it
marking where the stones are underneath
that we can step on them
and not break through
now inside a house
with a group of women
friends of J___
there are people coming and going
I still don't know what she is doing
shift to one of the girl's homes
her family is wealthy
and they are remodeling the place
one of the workers is preparing a room
he is an old man
and works all night
sleeping occasionally on the floor
the other girls are concerned
I left my new convertible
outside in the rain with the top down
I figure it will just break it in
a moving van is arriving
I am in back
helping it to park
I am trying to read a license plate
certificate on the back
half covered in soot from exhaust
maybe it is in Greek
this doesn't make sense
to me in the dream
but I know
I am on the verge of awakening
I want to remember the dream
and as I awaken
thinking about the other parts of the dream
I hear myself saying over and over
like a chant
aletheia aletheia aletheia
and I think
the unconcealed radiance of being

These vast empty monuments sacred only to what has been forgotten

Doing a lot of memory practice.

Remembering dreams is becoming a vital component.

Such a huge part of our imaginative world - critical to memory formation and function - that it seems I forget my dreams at my own peril.

Slowly getting better.

But it seems as if I only remember the most fragmentary insignificant aspects of my dreams.

Always the last few minutes of a huge complicated drama.

As if I had performed the entirety of Hamlet, living each emotion and painful moment in the dream and then,  at the very end, a dog barks and I wake up. When I try to remember what happened it is only that there was something amazing and beautiful and then a dog barked.


I've become hyper aware of memory lapses and moments of forgetting.

The occasional and, I suspect, utterly normal, lapses and absent minded moments send me into Woody Allen-esque fits of more intense memorization.

It is exactly analogous to building a huge Cathedral to compensate for doubts about the existence of a god. There! See! Now could I have built that enormous structure if I lacked faith?

Or, if my memory was faulty?

These vast empty monuments sacred only to what has been forgotten.

The sad dramas of the Flesh

explaining a triangle
of relationships to A___
how T___ was in love with L____
but L___ was still in love with me
as a consequence
T___ disliked me
as she believed
we were in competition
with each other
for the affections of L___
as I now told A___
I wanted no part of it
and as far as I was concerned
there was no romantic relationship
between myself and L___
she and I had come to an understanding
and all of this tired drama
was fabricated by T___
as a way of explaining to herself
why L___ was not returning her affections
and I
as I explained to A___
was sick to death of the whole misunderstanding
it was precisely the sort of drama
I wanted to no longer
be any part of
the end result being
my distancing and detachment
from the social world
A___ said
so that's why you've been treating us all
like horses
I didn't understand
if anything
I've been thinking of myself
as a wolf
a solitary creature
who no longer found comfort within the herd
who longed to be solitary and lone
then I thought of Animal Farm
and told her
in many of my jobs over the last 20 years
I have always seen myself as the horse
in that allegory
the creature who works himself to death
we were sitting in a kitchen
similar to the one at Inwood
my grandparent's house
where I grew up
she was across the table from me
maybe I am still the horse
I told her
but I've just wandered off
and no longer want to live in the barn
what is troubling me
as the solitary horse
is the absence of any farmer
or other humans around
those would be the gods
the fugitive gods who have left this world
all of us lesser animals
remain behind
tending to the ceremonies of the farm
a pantomime of acting as if
there were still a reason for the farm
to exist as a farm
but without the farmer and his family
there is no longer any reason
it would be better for us
to return to the wild
that's what I am feeling
that 's what it troubling me
and making me intolerant
of the sad dramas of the Flesh

Saturday, December 5, 2015

Actually more like a ghost

a situation with an old friend
previous love
who now had a child
and a family and friends
surrounding her
an acute sense
of my unwelcome presence
in her world
and my awkward attempts
to make myself welcome
only serving to further
the opposite
at one point
standing in a living room
full of not my friends
and not my family
everyone involved in conversation
and I feel like I'm invisible
actually more like
a ghost

[Note: song playing in the idle moments of awakening - see previous note: For he's a jolly good fellow.]

The unexpected turn

complicated time travel scenarios
fleeting memory
of only the most trivial aspects
with a group
perhaps a family
of time travelers
but trying to blend into
the current world
working for an organization
in the future
which sends back agents
to effect change
to avert disasters
to prevent critical moments
moments in which history turned
I am meeting with a group
of non-time travelers
and receive a message from an accomplice
tellling me that one of the group
knows I am a time traveler
perhaps they are another agent
from a rival organization
from a more distant future
from another thread of time
that is working to prevent me
from altering the future
I am suddenly aware that
I am now the critical factor
that  must be stopped
from trying to stop
the unexpected turn

There is an odd song that starts playing

many mornings I wake up
trying to deliberately keep my mind idle
to recollect fragments from dreams
imagine a quiet sanctuary
where the thoughts of the day
are like a bunch of sleeping dogs
who you know will be at the side of the bed
begging to be attended to
at the fist sign of consciousness
almost always in this idling state of consciousness
there is an odd song that starts playing
usually some execrable piece of pop fluff
that I wish I wasn't listening to
this has gone on for many years
an odd quirk of my brain
i thought i might keep a record of them
along with the dreams
song of the day
(and here I had to look up the title
because I mainly am hearing the melody
with bits and pieces of the words)
meow meow like a ship on the ocean
we are meow meow in the meow meow
full of love and devotion
is what I hear with all of the music
and backing vocals
So the song
is by the Hues Corporation
called Rock The Boat
actually goes:

Our love is like a ship on the ocean
We've been sailing with a cargo full of love and devotion
So I'd like to know where, you got the notion
Said I'd like to know where, you got the notion
To rock the boat, don't rock the boat, baby
Rock the boat, don't tip the boat over
Rock the boat, don't rock the boat baby
Rock the bo-o-o-oat

Adding a plausible suspect to the lacunae

another dream in which I woke up
because I forgot something in the dream
a fellow worker
specialized in studying
the work of a French poet
I could not remember
the name of the poet
when I woke up
I thought
it's Verlaine
but then was suspicious
as if I was just filling in the blank
to make myself feel better
adding a plausible suspect
to the lacunae

Friday, December 4, 2015

These forgotten moments woke me up

escaping from or running towards
some urgent destination
going down a mountain
following a stream
with another man
close friend or new acquaintance
hard to tell
realize I have a paycheck
in my back pocket
he tells me it is going to fall out
I don't care
we descend quickly
laughing at our speed
at one point
where the creek is shallow
we are riding the current
to add to our speed
later he asks me
if I still have the paycheck
I had forgotten about it
I can't find it in my back pocket
but I do find another un-cashed check
that was an advance for a speech
I was supposed to have given
that I had also forgotten
these two forgotten moments
which may have referenced
an earlier storyline in the dream
these forgotten moments woke me up