Dead bodies against the dying light

a film
similar to slacker
low-fi hallucinogenic
super 8 collage
disconnected narrative
intensely of a place
dallas and austin in the summer
keep returning to a sequence
in a garage
a rearranging of old boxes
rotten and water damaged cardboard
full of dusty objects
reference the garage at sam's
peeling away the layers
all through the eye of a cheap film camera
flashes to other bits of narrative sequence
girls swimming in shallow limestone pools
enchanted rock and perdenales falls
acid laced visions dancing in winter woods
old men laughing at the camera filming them
images in silhouette and super 8 colors
back to the garage with the boxes
uncovering one turned upside down
the objects within exposed
revealing a loom of spiderwebs
cobwebs of dust
dead bodies against the dying light
hanged men twisting on the horizon
presence of darkness
of what is called evil
fascinations of a filmmaker
the camera going deeper
exploring the angles
it is an ancient machine
a calculator of moral emptiness
a difference engine for agony
behind it I recognize a reel to reel tape recorder
the one I used to listen to the insane
thinking I need to get that back
been wondering where that was
back in the house
similar to the East 52nd house
but derelict now
full of the signs of a crack house
the original owner gone
walls tagged and torn
rooms echoing empty
sign of pallets in the garage
thinking they've been going through my possessions
turn the corner still as a camera
a familiar crack house
remnants of posters from local bands on the walls
set lists and xeroxed zine images
stand there with the camera
taking in the fragments of private history
panning slowly over the walls
distant sounds of laughter and violence
scratchy records of memory playing
early evening sun yellow in the windows
looking for the poster of her
the one I only noticed after months
one night wasted looking up
seeing her face sneering with beauty
calling out
hey that's my girl there
someone replies
yeah I know her
low laughter
sure you did
nothing more for me to say
where is she now?
shut down not wanting to lose the memory
don't know
gone
the camera leaves the room
wanders back through the front of the house
footsteps in the empty rooms
outside kids playing and family sounds
soundtrack feedback of a guitar plugging in
broken bottle on the strings
push button on the reel to reel clacking on
sound of the insane interviews
playing out somewhere in the back of the house
maybe out in the garage
someone is crying

twisting in the wake

a swimming pool
a group of good friends
surround me
diving in the water
playing around
laughing
happy
realize I am dreaming
I don't know any of them

shift

in a boat on a lake
in East Texas
an old man in the boat with me
I am a child
I swing my hook into the old man's face
catches him just above the eye
he looks at me
knows I did it on purpose
stands up
moves towards me
I use the fishing rod
to push him off balance
he falls into the water
I note how deep the blue is
he reaches for the side of the boat
I throw the anchor onto his head
he grows still in the water
I wrap the anchor rope around him
start up the motor
head back to the boathouse
towing him behind me
twisting in the wake

It all seems ridiculous to me

On a bus traveling to Mexico
With an old friend MM
We have been traveling a long time
Both of us are tired and bored
I am taking objects out of my pack
And showing them to him
I have a fist sized rock
With an image of the Buddha
Carved out of diamond
Affixed to one side
It is a Buddha in meditation
His form ascetic
skeletal
gaunt
I tell my friend
Even though it is heavy
I carry it everywhere
Have for years
Bought it on the border of Nepal
I hand it to him
With his thumb
He breaks off the lower half of the Buddha
I take it from him
Ask why he did that
Tells me
I thought it was stronger than that
I show him the back
There is an indentation
A map of Nepal
Shows the Buddha's travels
Exactly where the rock was made
He is not overly contrite
Suddenly
It all seems ridiculous to me
I set the rock on the floor of the bus
There is glitter in the air
Or a lot of dust
Up front
A real faery is flying around
dropping stardust on the passenger's heads
The driver yells back
We are almost there

With old photos of three women

top floor of a skyscraper
outside
party at a restaurant for me
knock two remote controls
off the edge
ex girlfriend comes in with another man
ignores me
have to pay for everything myself
use money I recently inherited
from a distant relative
I find a locket
with old photos of three women

I can only see the void behind her eyes

hands above the keyboard
poised
spread out over the keys
mining the memory

analyzing this dream
after I dreamed it
while I was still dreaming
the insistent
wake up wake up
write it down
write it down

getting out of the car
in South Texas
just down from Austin
not San Marcos
but another old town
threaded like a charm
on the highway
into a bar that is a combination
of the Texas Showdown
Hole in the Wall
and San Marcos Showdown
the old Showdown manager is there EM
myself and my best friend
from when I was in grade school MM
walk in and expected to work
I am immediately assumed
to be the bartender/ manager
a few moments after we arrive
a big crowd walks in
I take over
trying to make sure
everyone has their drinks
all old regulars
some I think I recognize
but it is only someone who looks like them
MM doesn't really give a shit
laughing at how hard I am working
that I don't know how
to make some of the drinks
a girl orders
a sin seven
I take the order
walk over to MM and ask
Seven-up and Gin he tells me
seems the entire staff quit the night before
and I am here to take over
beer and food deliveries start arriving
the old manager
wanders over
in the way
pulls open a box of chips
breaks open a bag
full of ravioli shaped things
says they are taco chips
says this isn't what I wanted
guys at the bar are laughing
I tell them I know what happened
you told them you wanted some sort of
in his voice now
taco nacho kind of chip kind of thing
a  moment
to see if he takes offense to me imitating him
he smiles
the bar laughs
like old times
MM calls me over
says the guy at the end of the bar
needs to be cut off
won't listen
I go talk to him
talk him down
ask him how he's going to get home
still the middle of the afternoon
even though the bar is completely dark
he fades away
another regular
has a sort of daughter
he is drunk
the daughter seems under age
acting mentally impared
she hasn't bathed in a while
drooling not making sense
I ask about her
someone tells me not to worry about her
kind of a joke
she's his artificial intelligence AI
bar laughs
story was she was his kid
who died
he made an AI construct
out of his memories of her
like a hologram
then the AI became conscious
but only at the idiot level
the guy takes it everywhere now
I look at the AI
its visual image is dependent
upon how our eyes process edges
lateral inhibition
if you look at here closely enough
you can see
our visual reality pouring into her
like water into vast circular waterfall
the mist rising up
from the center
gives us a sense
there is a physical being present
when there is none
the AI looks at me
smiles
I can tell she has been sexually abused
has no sense of right or wrong
her eyes are broken
mouth torn
still drooling
she is trying to put on
a seductive face
but knowing what she is now
I can only see the void behind her eyes
I tell her father
to get her out of here
I'm not serving her
everyone is telling me
to calm down

I wake into the dream
that contains that one
start thinking about the AI
start hearing the voice
telling me to
wake up
wake up
wake up
and
write it down

The taste of lighting in my mouth

an old man
dreams of youth
how he once stood
before the gates of knowledge
on a beach facing the ocean
imagining all the worlds
that were out there
waiting for him
remembering that hunger
to know the truth
this bright and shining thing
the old man laughs
coughs and sits up
elbows on his knees
head hanging down
jesus he thinks
how I used to believe
in poetry
those first readings of
Keats, Wordsworth, Shelley and Coleridge
I gave them my soul
trusted them entirely
there in Rome
kneeling at Keat's grave
while a young girl stood by
mocking
her words like stones in the water
and the years that followed
open and raw to the entire Universe
exposed and vulnerable
reading Katzanzakis in the desert
the taste of lighting in my mouth
then there is the return
the jobs, the hours, the paycheck
the sad artificial desire to recreate
the ecstasies of youth
the excesses of middle age
alcohol, empty sex, drugs, despair
the old man rises
with a grunt
stumbles towards the light
then stops
through one window
the moon
and remembers a vow from youth
about poetry and truth
and when he was old
the man realizing that he is at that place
naked in the moonlight
alone
through it all
the poetry
has remained
the taste of lightning in my mouth

met God

met God

The monkey is pretending

taking care of a small animal
a type of highly intelligent monkey
thinking that it was my mother
who asked me to look after it
but that's not true
seems like there was a great wreck
where I saved the monkey's life
the monkey becomes irritated
starts trying to bite me
I keep holding it in a way
with my hands around its neck
so that it cannot get its teeth into me
but it is still able to  scrape and claw at me
go into a house
my family house from the fairy tale streets
in the kitchen
throw the monkey down
dealing with other matters
that seem  more important
will find the monkey later
then  after some time
go to find him
calling sweetly
see glimpses of him
shadows and quick traces
as he runs around
inside the old family house in the woods
in my grandmother's bathroom
morphing into my mother's dressing room
abandoned now
believe I  have trapped the monkey inside
but see there is a hole in a skylight
that I do not remember
the monkey has crawled outside
can see him indistinctly through the frosted glass
I pretend to be upset
in hopes that the monkey
will become curious
wander back in to see if I am ok
a figure falls down through the skylight
I grab it
believing it to be the monkey
but the monkey has handed me
a sort of furry horned toad
that is poisonous
trying to bite me
again I am holding it
close to its neck to that it cannot get at me
now I am mad at the monkey
throw the horned toad creature down
follow the monkey
back into an abandoned bedroom
there are signs that he has been eating
other animals
I think I see him
try to corner him in the room
but it is a tiny polar bear
with a disproportionately small head
looks like a furry ferocious beetle
tries to kill me
I get the polar bear outside
finally catch the monkey
who is now completely docile
keeps wanting to cuddle
up against my neck
but I know
the monkey is pretending
and will kill and eat me
at the first opportunity
suddenly
I realize something
about my waking life
and I awaken

there is only one way
everything that is wrong
will make sense
I had always suspected it
and now
almost a year later
know it to be true
it is like waking
from a powerful spell
that has been cast upon me

Projecting psychedelic religious symbols

an employee meeting
at the bar after the old bar
I keep having to leave
to attend to other issues
upsetting the president
of the company
I am trying to meet up
with a girlfriend before my ex-wife
where we are
is an old filling station
convenience store
she comes in with a friend
I get up to help her
leaving the meeting
she acts cold to me
leaves
then calls on the phone
I leave the meeting again
when I return
I ask what it was about
the president of the company
tells me they need to decide
whether or not
they are going to carry
sun-tan lotion
I tell them it is ridiculous
everyone has suns-tan lotion
everyone leaves except
one co-worker
he tells me he need me to help him
to work as a bodyguard
to the President of the United States
Obama
not Secret Service
taken off the street
so that we would not be suspected
by the terrorists
in a small one story house
in a run-down part of town
Obama takes me into the backyard
gives me an object in an ornate box
tells me to keep it safe
then he leaves
to attend the engagement
I am waiting with another agent
in the backyard
a call comes through
that the POTUS is coming back now
there was a problem
the guy I am with is nervous
we are sitting on lawn-chairs
in the front yard
it is night
no one around
unusually quiet
I take the box Obama gave me
place it on top of some books
on a shelf inside
return outside
high-tech helicopters
are flying around
with search lights
moving up down and backwards
as fast as cursors
on a computer screen
projecting psychedelic religious symbols
on the clouds above
and building
there are two of them
the blades thump and cut
dust and debris fill the air
apocalyptic
I am thinking about the object
that Obama gave me
wondering if it is safe
on the shelf of books

To strip all the meat off her bones

world where robots take care of us
human are programmed to be passive
to not think
robots live with us from birth
all original human thought is gone
the human race is like cattle
at the mercy of a techno-military complex
there are renegade humans
trying to subvert the system
both the robots and the humans
even the government have forgotten
everyone except the renegades
have forgotten what they can actually do
on one ranch
an agricultural community
there is a malfunction
one of the human-robot pairs
is left to their own devices
they begin to figure out
that they have been oppressed
everything is nice and polite
when one of the women gets hurt
the robot follows his program
to strip all the meat off her bones
and organize the bones
in the most efficient stacking manner
around the skull
the human farmer and the robot
are both looking at the stack with admiration
when government troops arrive
they can see that the farmer and the robot
have been left alone too long
and are on the verge of awakening
the human is realizing
that the robot will do anything
he asks of it
and the robot is realizing
that it is his function
to serve and protect the human
right before the woman got hurt
the farmer called to the robot
for help
saying
get here
right now
and the robot
went into hyper-speed
arriving there in a fraction of the time
it normally took him
both the farmer and the robot
were surprised
the farmer also had augmentations
from the government
because he was useful
and was good at growing crops
producing more than most farmers
the farmer was able to also move fast
and had extraodrinary strength
when the government troops arrive
the farmer and the robot
hide
the troops discover the stack of bones
and the leader
who is half robot
half human
realizes what has happened
he tells the robot troops
to terminate the farmer
and his robot pair

I was a detective

I was a detective
working at a bar
also at a local high school
dark summer nights
the oak trees of Austin
kept finding traces
of the Taranga Corporation
athletes were getting injured
coaches were getting bonuses
finding buisness cards
in black and white
with Taranga Corp
on the front
they were trying to infiltrate
the school with their products
by buying off the teachers and students
inferior equipment and products
hurting people and making them sick

Vector: The Monty Hall Problem

• The Monty Hall Problem:
  
  

  From Wikipedia: A thought experiment, sometimes called by the German name gedankenexperiment, is a proposal for an experiment that would test or illuminate a hypothesis, theory,  or principle.
  
  Given the structure of the proposed experiment, it may or may not be possible to actually perform the experiment and, in the case that it is possible for the experiment to be performed, no intention of any kind to actually perform the experiment in question may exist. The common goal of a thought experiment is to explore the potential consequences of the principle in question.
  
  Famous examples of thought experiments include Schrödinger's cat, illustrating quantum indeterminacy through the manipulation of a perfectly sealed environment and a tiny bit of radioactive substance, and Maxwell's demon, in which a supernatural being is instructed to attempt to violate the second law of thermodynamics.
  
  To Wikipedia: The Lady or the Tiger: The semi-barbaric King of an ancient land utilized an unusual form of administering justice for offenders in his kingdom. The offender would be placed in an arena where his only way out would be to go through one of two doors. Behind one door was a beautiful woman hand-picked by the king and behind the other was a fierce tiger. The offender was then asked to pick one of the doors, without knowing what was behind it. If he picked the door with the woman behind it, then he was declared innocent but was also required to marry the woman, regardless of previous marital status. If he picked the door with the tiger behind it, though, then he was deemed guilty and the tiger would rip him to pieces.
  
  One day the king found that his daughter, the princess, had taken a lover far beneath her station. The king could not allow this and so he threw the offender in prison and set a date for his trial in the arena. On the day of his trial the suitor looked to the princess for some indication of which door to pick. The princess did, in fact, know which door concealed the woman and which one the tiger, but was faced with a conundrum - if she indicated the door with the tiger, then the man she loved would be killed on the spot; however, if she indicated the door with the lady, her lover would be forced to marry another woman, a woman that the princess deeply hated and believed her lover has flirted with. Finally she did indicate a door, which the suitor then opened.
  
  At this point the question is posed to the reader, "Did the tiger come out of that door, or did the lady?" The question is not answered, and is left as a thought experiment regarding human nature.
  
  To Wikipedia: The Monty Hall Problem: Suppose you're on a game show, and you're given the choice of three doors: Behind one door is a car; behind the others, goats. You pick a door, say No. 1, and the host, who knows what's behind the doors, opens another door, say No. 3, which has a goat. He then says to you, "Do you want to pick door No. 2?" Is it to your advantage to switch your choice?

• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time:
  
  

  And this shows the intuition can sometimes get things wrong. And intuition is what people use in life to make decisions. But logic can help you work out the right answer.

  It also shows that Mr. Jeavons was wrong and numbers are sometimes very complicated and not very straightforward at all. And that is why I like The Monty Hall Problem. 

• Google Reader: Pigeons Outperform Humans at Monty Hall Dilemma:
  
  

  Each pigeon was faced with three lit keys, one of which could be pecked for food. At the first peck, all three keys switched off and after a second, two came back on including the bird’s first choice. The computer, playing the part of Monty Hall, had selected one of the unpecked keys to deactivate. If the pigeon pecked the right key of the remaining two, it earned some grain. On the first day of testing, the pigeons switched on just a third of the trials. But after a month, all six birds switched almost every time, earning virtually the maximum grainy reward.

That makes it easy to lose your footing

Extremely fragmentary:

at Inwood
the new house
dusk or dark
something is out there
in the woods
memories in the dream
of another incident
where a murderer
or perhaps an insane man
was attempting to kill someone
on the front lawn
me realizing in the dream now
how there is a falloff
in the lawn
that makes it easy to lose your footing
how he was caught
I am out there now
there is a car
floating above me
like a hot air balloon
I am trying to load lugage into it
the door is still to high
trying to get the car down
it is a summer night
and the world is full
of possibililties

much more to it
but I cannot remember
when I awoke
it felt as if I had had
an auspicious dream

something reminded me
of the flatworm dream
a lurking horror
around the potentials
of transformation

All the instant friends of alcohol

returning to a bar in austin
combination of the ones
I once worked at
seeing the faces of old friends
people that act like
they once knew me
all the instant friends of alcohol
the owners are there
one is happy to see me
the other isn't
the bar is swamped
I try to help
run back in the kitchen
around the front
collecting glasses
I stop a guy at the front door
with boxes of National Geographic
some frat guys helping him
putting colored threads
between the pages
I ask him what's up
he tells me vaguely
that he's going to hand them out
I ask
for free or to sell
he says
eventually to sell
tell him he can't do that
it's solicitation
he blows me off
acts like he's going to give them away
I tell them he can't
try to find the owners
to let them know
what is going on
they are both nowhere
to be found
people are looking to me
to solve the problem
I decide I don't care
and leave to another bar
down the street
sitting down with a girl
that I once worked with
music comes on
she asks me to dance
we start dancing
in a sexual way
but innocent
my last girlfriend shows up
all made up and beautiful
I smile and keep dancing
she follows us across the floor
then runs off
I stop and follow her
I find her and ask
what's wrong
she tells me
you are not irreplaceable yet

I am trying to get back into the game

playing a football game
in a small town in Texas
I am the tailback
but the quarterback
never gives me the ball
I am also the coach
the playing field is
surrounded by wooden walls
similar to playing in a barn
just past the goal line
is a an old wooden wall
above us is an old roof
at one point
I get mad and call a time-out
to tell a lot of people
standing on the field
drinking and smoking
watching the game
to get off the field 
the team we are playing
is incredibly inept
but we can't ever score
I want the quarterback
to handoff to me
but he never will
we are always a few yards
from the goal-line
a friend I traveled
across the country with
is there talking to me
on the sidelines
there is some sort of joke between us
about whirled peas / world peace
the opposing team's brains
are like whirled peas
he tells me
he wants to whirl some peas
mess up their brains
we are trying to find someone
to imagine a utopia for us
if they can imagine it
then we can leave this dream
and go into that one
it has to be a small child
someone innocent
I go into a house
during a time-out
and an old coach is there
he hands me a glass of water
I break it as I am drinking it
I try to find a place to leave it
there is a party going on
I leave the broken glass
half full of water
on a table
pick up another
that I believe is full of water
take a drink
but it is alcohol
the remnants of a lime
are floating around in it
I go back out to the field
they are playing without me
I am trying to get back into the game
but there is a big crowd
along the sidelines
everyone surprised
that I am not out there

Where there are no shadows

at a bar in austin
they were filming a movie there
and we were working around the filming
a lot of wood in the bar
exposed rafters
wood floors
an old building
fire-trap
a lot a new people
I had never seen
working there
doing drugs
while we were working
walk down to another bar
where a lot of women look at me
they sell these weird gelatin deserts
I tell the guy that I want
to try something different
he gives me a piece of tough gelatin
like a shaking shard of amber
and tells me to taste it
I do and tell him it's good
he takes it over to a deep fryer
a girl next to me starts flirting
I don't respond correctly
after the busy night is over
talking with jon stewart
on a bed
with a bunch of financial papers
spread out around us
he was working there
as a manager
about where all the money went
about declaring tips
told him I made
just over a hundred
he tells me he knows
belaboring the obvious
as if to say he knew
I'd spent it on drugs
driving over to a house
near the bar
an adobe type house
bunch of bartenders
and waiters lived there
open windows and doors
everything broken
people all over
hot summer days
where there are no shadows
driving with an ex-boss of mine
from the last bookstore I worked at
looking for a friend
we knew everybody
looking for a strange motorcycle
keep hearing people
call out our names
as we drive around
stop at the house
they tell me
there are already three managers
scheduled to work
I don't need to go in
I am relieved to not be working
but wish I had some
more money
Signorney Weaver is there
under the floor
spreading out rat poison
granular yellow seeds
that look like wheat
scattered on the earth
I lift up the floor
to help her get out
the house is broken down
and collapsing
my friend is laughing
at how weird and beautiful
everything is
then at the bar
an employee meeting
one of the owners
comes in
carry this huge gun
attached to his body
something out of a sci-fi movie
one of the female manager
tries to shoot him
he starts firing off the shotgun
shooting at everyone
then a turns on a flame thrower
with no flame
just heat
and sprays it over all of us
he shoots
one of the female manager's
fake breasts off
and kills a couple of dogs
but no one else is hurt
everyone is laughing
because his entrance
and presence
were so terrifying
but no one got hurt

En ta smeale tha succuh

at a dinner table
my last girlfriend
her son
and her ex-husband
some others
dream people
there is a raccoon skin
on the wall outside
her son is reading
a book about raccoons
with his father
reading out loud
about their smell
call succour
smells like sweet excrement
I am talking in a southern accent
to his mother
telling her
huh suhn could nawt wait
to ress his pretty lil heead
on thaat theuh coon skin
en ta smeale tha succuh
saying
that wuz whad ah had got
awn ma own hand when
ah had got bit by won o dem
juss lil while ago

Later:

my sister tells me
she has found out she can do a trick
she holds one hand in the light
someone out of sight adds
a dangling light
my sister corrects herself
says
I hold one hand in the dangling light
and in the other I hold a receipt
that is on fire
as soon as I put the one hand
into the dangling light
the receipt on fire
goes out

A barrel full of water and green seeds

in a hotel or a monastery
preparing for a trip
gathering supplies
thirsty
a barrel full of water and green seeds
scoop out water and seeds
into my palms cupped together
try to drink the water
and not spill any seeds
some fall anyway
woman comes in
tells the people in the next room
the water is not for drinking
I imagine that I will get sick
on the verge of leaving
need to stop at a house
where a bunch of girls live
to give them some money
walking out to the car
in the early morning
before the sun is up
weather is bad
heavy fog
woman is beside me
I step into a hole on the driveway
the woman says
I should be careful
not about falling into the hole
but about where I am going
I walk easily out of the hole
trying to remember things
to write them down later
music in my head
my country tis of thee
sweet land of liberty
of thee I sing

An abandonded amusement park world

an abandonded hospital
in a foreign country
trying to find room 421
with my ex-wife and a friend from the old bar
dark experiments going on there
an exhibition of freaks
labyrinthian hallways
the room lead to an operating room
nazi experiments
freaks wandering the halls
crowded with children
presence of an evil doctor
now with a friend from high school
an abandonded amusement park world
a movie set
escher geometries
desert sands filling up most of the rooms
sliding down dunes from billboards
chasing after my friend
who seems to have no direction
following him deeper and deeper
into the ruins
we are both carrying sharp knives
moonlight illuminates the sand
I am trying to find him
following echoes now
slides of white sand
laughing in the desert night

How it was to feel so alive in the summer

at the old house of my grandfather
camping down in the woods
in a tent
lots of people parked in his yard
I am a caretaker
driving a volkswagon bug around
stop to check on the people in the tent
an older couple
down on their luck
there is a cop there
he keeps looking down in the woods
but he can't see the tent
thinks it is a big boulder
as I am driving off
I stop to tell him
it is ok for these people to be there
he and I walk through the woods

now in the front yard
my mother out there
with a childhood friend
on motorcycles
three of us
we are moving all of our possessions
we do this on a regular basis
looking for my shoes
I took them off to play
I find them in some boxes

now in a department store
at a desk
other people at desks around me
get a guy from the stereo department
to bring over a stereo
to put on my desk until closing
so we can hear some music
throughout everything
is the feeling of being surrounded
by old friends from the early part of my life
how it was to joke around with them
how it was to feel so alive in the summer
when I was young

The . hits the ? in the face

dream fugue about an animated piece
the punctuation marks mutating
the question mark
becomes the exclamation
the word "Bone?"
with the question mark
the ? comes to life
starts kicking the . against the letters
like a soccer ball
the . hits the ? in the face
? swallows the.
the it goes through the ?
and comes out on botttom
the ? looks down
and is surprised
becomes a !
and "Bone?"
becomes "Bone!"

Vectors: Sebald/Eschatology/Narration and Bellingham/Nostalgia/Japan

Sebald/Eschatology/Narration

•  From How Fiction Works by James Wood
  
  

  I think that fiction writing which does not acknowledge the uncertainty of the narrator himself is a form of imposture which I find very, very difficult to take. [...] Given that you have a world where the rules are clear and where one knows where trespassing begins, then I think it is legitimate within that context to be a narrator who knows what the rules are and who knows the answers to certain questions.

•  From the Laughing Bone: Eschatology: The Ruins After Dark
  
  

  No one knew where the homeless stayed, although lights among the ruins after dark showed where they had moved in.

Bellingham/Nostalgia/Japan

• Researching photoshop actions and filters related to the Mechanics of Nostalgia 

• Out of the Blue: from a Flickr Page on Photoshop actions and downloads:
  
  

  Bellingham, Washington is officially the sister city to Tateyama, Japan. This beautiful tree, on the grounds of the Bellingham Public Library, has a marble plaque at its base. The plaque reads, "Dedicated to the people of Bellingham from the people of Tateyama, Japan. Presented by Y. Honma, July 11, 1965."
  
  Bellingam is actually sister cities with four cities: Tatayama, Japan; Nakhodka, Russia; Punta Arenas, Chile; and Port Stephens, New South Wales, Australia.

I realize that I don't really have to

in Austin
walking from work at the last bar
to the 24 hour gym
talk to the my last girlfriend
on the phone as I walked along
I have told her to find some drugs for us
for later
after I workout
she has been drinking
and is frustrating me
because I believe
she is going to fuck up the deal
it is summer
there is a cool breeze
smell of mowed lawns
I am walking fast
so that I can hurry through my workout
and get to her
to do drugs
while she is talking to me
she says the dealer
just left a message on her phone
I tell her to hang up with me
and call him back
to get the drugs
she complains that I am going to be late
I realize that I don't really have to workout
that I should just meet her
and do drugs

A flatworm covered in fur and horns

an apartment in new york
with an friend who teaches classics
from the last bar I worked at
we called him brandy
or brandies...
there was a hidden room
behind a brick wall
that you could move
there was a computer in there
that the friend was using
we were talking about architecture
about how to build a house
and we kept saying,
"we need to make a ladder
up to the frog house"
a latent fear
around the house
as we were talking
about the ladder
then it shifted
 my ex-wife and I were bartenders on a ship
a former boss was the captain
I was the architect of the ship

Later Fragment:

in a car on counrty roads
my stepfather is driving
he is distracted from the road
this is worrying me
we drive slowly by
what I believe at first to be an elk
than it mutates in to a four legged creature
with a huge amorphous flat head
it is following behind
not malevolently at first
but more so as time goes on
the head is changing shape
looks like a planaria
a flatworm covered in fur and horns
far too big for the horse body
i feel fear starting rise within me
the creature senses this
starts running towards the car
my stepfather is still distracted
not trying to get away

A shaving mug for a bearded lady

Fragment:

had found the rarest shaving mug
in existence
for my stepfather
the man that owned it
didn't know what he had
was selling it for only a few dollars
it was a occupational photographic
shaving mug
of a bearded lady

Where dogs cannot talk but can vote

Fragment:

in a world
where dogs cannot talk
but can vote on
issues that affect them
my sister's dog voted
to have the fabric
on the ceiling
of my sister's car
torn off
it was hanging down
near the back window
and was in the dog's face
when it tried to look out
as we were driving along

Her skin turns to silver

Fragment:

A movie star is a killer
picks up a young girl
ties her down
is going to rape her
she is begging him
not to cut her
he takes a knife
puts it to her face
her skin turns to silver
an ex-marine from the old bar
is behind the killer
trying to distract him
then the ex-marine is easily captured
the killer realizes it is
an old wolf trick
where a couple of wolves
act hurt by the bear
to distract him
while the pack make a surprise attack

I had dreamed I was a Holy Man

an elementary school classroom
back of the room
windows open
summer day
a lot of friends
from various parts of my life
we are all there
to listen
to learn something important
a promoter is standing
near us in the back
we are waiting for the teacher
to appear in front of the class
the room turns around
now we are in front
laying on rugs and mats
other teachers are around me
arguing and delivering lectures
an ex-fiancee was there
as a young girl
people are engaged in sex
all around me
casually
innocently
unselfishly
I felt as if my being
was suffused with light
like when I was on LSD
more that I was aware
that I was in a dream
dreaming in a dream
students were coming up to me
asking me about
what I believed
the promoter gestured
with a nod
to the others around me
indicating
he's the real thing
one of my most recent bosses showed up
to see what was going on
there was an old part of me
that
for an instant
wondered about shame
but that was quickly overwhelmed
with love
we all moved away
from the classroom and the school
I talked to
taught
a lot of people
made a journey back
to the school
was talking as I walked
about how I previously walked
a pilgrimage route twice
carried a walking stick
across my shoulders
my hands hanging over the ends
I arrived back
at the school
alone
where the school was
there was now a quarry
ancient
overgrown
beautiful now
surrounded by trees
I realized
I had dreamed
I was a Holy Man

later:

with a close friend from my youth
went over to a Holy Woman's apartment
that was actually
a mirror image of
the apartment of my last girlfriend
the living room
was full of people watching
an important video
about religion and birth
I was wearing gym shorts
and a tight t-shirt
in the kitchen
there were many plastic bags
full of recently purchased groceries
to go sandwiches
fast foods
was told to eat
whatever I wanted
could overhear the Holy Woman
telling the others
who I was

She pulls her legs up like she is giving birth

at a party
big backyard
friendly people
similar to where I lived in the trailer
sunny afternoon
girl I used to know
flirting
says she wants to fuck me
go to an abandonded trailer
she pulls up her skirt
no underwear
group of old men around us
all want to fuck her
I am angry
but the girl doesn't mind
lays down on a wooden table
we are now in an old barn
she pulls her legs up like she is giving birth
I try to get her out of there
she is mad at me
her child is wandering around outside
other guys from the party
keep coming up to me
standing too close
getting in my face
the girl is letting everyone look at her
but no one is fucking her
I step outside of the barn
see some friends from the old bar
sitting up on the porch
I wonder if they have seen me
and the girl together
if I will be responsible for her sluttiness
but I know that they do
and I know that I will

To keep the mosquitoes from biting

Fragment:

in Alaska
white landscape
cold
in a contest
a sponsor gives me a case of beer
supposed to use it on my skin
they have a jingle
with the phrase
"to keep the mosquitoes from biting"

This is not the dream that I wanted to remember

bodybuilders or wrestlers ironing
in a auditorium
all of us waiting for something to begin
I am sitting in the back
maybe the balcony
red plush seats
an annoying woman from the old bar
is sitting a couple of rows in front of me
I don't want to talk to her
the wife of a friend who has cancer
comes in and sits in the row in front of me
between the annoying woman and myself
I can overhear their conversations
the annoying woman says
what should we get to eat
the wife says
I don't have much money
the annoying woman replies sarcastically
in that case we should all just move to vietnam
and save lots of money on food
a girl that is into hard rock comes in
sits next to the wife
she has a mullet
morphs into a guy
down in front of us
another guy with the same style mullet
is walking down the aisle
I say
there's your boyfriend
then I realize that they are twins
he tells me
he's gay
I say
I didn't know
everyone is there to sell their book
I realize that because of modern production methods
Penguin now has the cheapest catalog of books
in the world
then I think
this is not the dream that I wanted to remember
there was one before this one
that was more important
it had all of these people in it
as major charcters
not spectators in the audience
sense that all of us are waiting to watch
that dream begin again
like a movie up on the screen
I realize it is up to me to remember it
but I can only remember this dream
of waiting in the auditorium
with this annoying woman in the seats in front of me
talking about nothing

We don't travel, we voyage

a campus lounge area
similar to the science and astronomy buildings
at the Universities in Dallas and Austin
low lying concrete bunker style buildings
with black reflective glass
there with an older man
who wears a round bowlers hat
he is a suspicious character
an old crony of mine
that I don't remember
both of us dressed in shabby clothing
he is talking to some students
I walk over to a bar nearby
reminiscent of the Posse East
wooden picnic tables out front
see a group of guys I know
we greet each other
they ask if I want a beer
I lie and tell them I am waiting for a friend
(the man with the bowler hat)
mention I don't have any money
act like I didn't mean for them to...
but a casual friend that works for the Police
reaches into his pocket and counts out 61 dollars
a roll of ones
gives it to me
I put it in my pocket
saying that I will try to get him back in a few days
this seems to displease him some
so I say I will try to pay him back
either later today or tomorrow
he tells me
just whenever you can
another guy I know that works at UT
also gives me a roll of cash
sort of cynically says
yeah pay me back "whenever"
like he is never going to get his money back
as soon as I put the money in my pocket
I know that I am going to go buy drugs with it
I start thinking about who to call
where to go
where to buy a apparatus
without anybody made aware that I am using again
I walk back over to the campus lounge
now more of a cafe
pass a group of recent graduates
dressed in caps and gowns that don't know where to go
standing in the middle of the street
huddled on the corners
the shady man with the bowler's hat
is still there at the cafe
wondering where I have been
he's been waiting on me
I don't tell him
I've got a lot of money in my pocket
but he knows something is up
he leaves and I follow him
wanting to get away as soon as possible
so I can score some drugs
we are walking across the campus
on white sidewalks where there are no trees
he takes a circuitous route along the sidewalks
away from where we need to go
walking fast and getting ahead of me
I cut across the grass to catch up with him
ask him
why did you travel away from where we were going?
he says
we don't travel, we voyage
saying this last word with a lot of flourish

Vectors

I figure it might be interesting if, in addition to nightly dreams, I document the merging of certain vectors: lines of separate meaning that suddenly intersect - sometimes back into themselves as uroboros. The usual term for this is synchronicity, defined by Jung as "meaningful coincidence." To my way of thinking, this discounts the effects of intentionality, particular illuminations of discrete arenas/circles of awareness. Overlap may seem merely coincidence or just contingent, but there is meaningful connection, albeit beneath the surface. Events like the peaks of mountains above the clouds.

Curiously, both of these were initiated though research on The Shaving Mug Review.

• A shaving mug with the slightly erotic image of a female barber :: the colored etching from 1787 of the woman with a razor to the man's throat :: Samson and Delilah in the background of the etching :: Samson's strength originating in a vow (logos) to God, symbolized through his hair :: Delilah cuts his hair, indicating that he has broken his vow to God :: Havilah Rand email about her album Delilah's Gold which shows her on the bar at the Horseshoe Cafe here in Bellingham

• Fraternal shaving mugs :: JLT gives me the book, Fraternally Yours which gives short histories of many secret societies, fraternities and lodges related to Fraternal Shaving Mugs :: read in particular about the Independent Order of the Odd Fellows :: reading Utopias on Puget Sound about the Equality Colony :: the BCC leased the building for their headquarters in Edison from the Independent Order of the Odd Fellows (pp. 66)

•  Additional vectors for the rough span of 30 years straddling the end of the 19th century: 1885 to 1915 :: LeWarne's Utopias on Puget Sound - 1885 to 1915 :: Tuchman's Proud Tower: A Portrait of the World Before the War, 1890 - 1914 :: Steiner's "imagined garden of liberal culture" from In Bluebeard's Castle:
  
  
  

  Our sensibility locates that garden in England and western Europe between ca. the 1820s and 1915. The initial date has a conventional indistinction, but the end of the long summer is apocalyptically exact. The main features of the landscape are unmistakable. A high and gaining literacy. The rule of law. A doubtless imperfect yet actively spreading use of representative forms of government. Privacy at home and an ever-increasing measure of safety in the streets. An unforced recognition of the focal economic and civilizing role of the arts, the sciences, and technology. The achievement, occasionally marred but steadily pursued, of peaceful coexistence between nation states (as, in fact obtained, with sporadic exceptions, from Waterloo to the Somme). A dynamic, humanely regulated interplay between social mobility and stable lines of force and custom in the community. A norm of dominance, albeit tempered by conventional insurgence between generations, between fathers and sons. Sexual enlightenment, yet a strong, subtle pivot of agreed restraint. I could go on. The list can be easily extended and detailed. My point is that it makes for a rich and controlling image, for a symbolic structure that presses, with the insistence of active mythology, on our current condition of feeling.

Anything that can run away is not worth killing

Fragment:

a Chicano cook
who had been fired from a bar
was telling me that
anything that can run away
is not worth killing
there has got to be a struggle
then I was watching television
a man in front of a tribunal
I thought
you must speak truth
in the face of power

Taking the skins off of potatoes

Fragment:

I was taking the skins off of potatoes
rolling them up into flutes
covering them with mashed potatoes
and stuffing them hollowed out potatoes
memories
light the corners of my mind
misty water colored memories
of the way we were
on violin the background
I couldn't bear it anymore
and made myself wake up

In the blink of a dead dog's eye

was designing an ironic entry on Wikipedia
about relationships
Bruce Springsteen's Glory Days
playing in the background
took a photograph of a man on fire
holding a baby
play on madonna and child
in a large stadium or arena
music playing over loud speakers
glory days
they'll pass you by
glory days
in the blink of a dead dog's eye
thinking in dream
that's not the lyric
but that's funny
because a dead dog's eye
doesn't blink
noticing that the music was still playing
in the background
as I was thinking
reminding me of the theta/beta brainwave
post that I am working on
my awareness of this
moving me out of the dream
the music now acting like
an internal alarm clock
I woke up to see if it was around the time
I had set the alarm for
I was 11 minutes early

note: the actual lyric is:
in the wink of a young girl's eye

After that comes a tiger

walking through gardens similar
or the same as
my Grandfather's on Inwood
circled by cedars
shrubs lining sandstone paths
traveling off to deliver a message of war
thinking that merely to assemble all the soldiers
to outfit and train them
move them to the place of war
would take years
then the battle
then the deployment
the war would go on for 19 years
noticing that as I am walking through the garden
I am being followed
by something in the underbrush
beside the path
at first I think it is a small bug
then a cat because it seems bigger
the shrubs now more like brush and bush
then I think a lion
instantly after that comes a tiger
I realize
upon the verge of waking
that I am dreaming a tiger
still dreaming
I think of what Borges said
that when you are afraid
you dream a tiger

This is what the music means

my family
biking out in the deserts of New Mexico
starts raining
stop in 50s style rest stop and motel
out in the cactus gardens
bus stops
moves on
man says in Spanish that it is full of whores
la autobus esta llena de putas
I begin talking to him in Spanish
an ex-priest friend of mine is listening
another Mexican man next to me says
the president's son like a lot of whores
I walk into the restaurant area
a hacienda court yard
we might be staying overnight
looking for a picnic table
place to put a tent
people from the old bar are there
go inside the shop
my sister and I playing games
the family is there
my last girlfriend is there with her son
she gets a photo made into a t-shirt that she is wearing
picture of her laying back on a table next to her son
who is laughing in a booth
she is acting like she is bench pressing nothing
shirt says world's greatest bench presser
my stepfather and I walk around the shop
looking at guns and knives
wife of the owner tries to sell me a mis-made gun
she says it is very interesting
weird pistol and hatchet blade formed together
comes with a black leather holster
I don't want it
my mother gives me some money to buy it
a lot of cash
end up buying it
even though I am worried about money
I get more change back than I thought
this makes me happy
the lady is now walking around doing book returns
tries to sell me a copy of the Life of Pi
tells me it is a good deal
my sister and I tell her we've already read it
go to play games with my sister
my stepfather gives me some quarters to play
I am able to open up the machine's coin box
take quarters out of it
I find a big old half dollar coin
put it into my pocket when no one is looking
a guess the tune music game
my sister keeps telling me that I am doing it wrong
I lose game after game
soon I only have one game left
give the game to her
she starts playing
writing mathematical notation on a blackboard
at the same time
at first I think she is playing Pachebel's Canon
then realize that it is actually the Concierto de Aranjuez
writing these sweeping notations on a blackboard
looks like calculus but it is not
notations indicate the interior architecture of the music
diagrams of the swelling emotions
I am talking to my mother at the diner-like food counter
my sister keeps calling for my mother to come over
look and listen to what she is doing
yells out
this is what the music means

Who had better helicopters

my ex-wife and I are drinking
in a house similar to the Princess house
where I grew up
a helicopter dropped us off from some other worksite of hers
we are drinking a chocolate liquor-beer that I don't like
she pours hers onto the table out of a wide mouthed jar
looks like two balls of syrupy chocolate
scoops it into a cup
pours more juice over it
I don't care for it
she keeps trying to refill my glass
she finds half-full glasses all around the house
a co-worker and ex-lover call and want to come over
I feel some resentment at this
but say nothing
she is happy they are coming over
tells me they are coming via helicopter
I am concerned
since she and I had just arrived by helicopter
the neighbor's would get upset
one was working at a gig with Martha Stewart
I hear the helicopter landing in front yard
I hear it take off
he shows up at the door
tells her that Martha Stewart got him the best copter
to one-up her employer
a lot of banter between them about
who had better helicopters

All the thousand things you have to do

working in a bar
restaurant
gym
a bartender from the replacement bar
was also working there
also people from the old bar
my ex-wife was there as a customer
people standing in long lines
at one point a guy named Seaman entered
the crowd reacting
like a sitcom entrance
he went around to a stage
there was a podium
someone was giving him an award
he and I were behind the podium
a guy in front of us was blatantly
making fun of his face
this reminded me
that I had a dream about him
I had also seen his name in the paper
the day before in another dream
in this dream
two girls were fighting over us
then I found their diary
where it said it was all fake
as I was reading their diary
the dream dissolved
and there
as I was telling him about this
I had another book describing
exactly what I was saying
there was a shimmering
then a huge rush of people came in
I ran downstairs to the restaurant
and saw that no one was prepared
the sister of an ex-fiancee was
working as a waitress
a bar was down there also
I was trying to get them ready for the rush
a cook burned some food
asked if he should serve it
told him no
told a waitress to take it out
to the trash through the kitchen
she whined
are you serious
I thought to myself
I should say
you're fired
but instead
I said
yes
I doubted
she actually would
I thought about
all the thousand things you have to do
to run a good bar
I thought about how hard I was working
at the replacement bar
before everything got messed up
what a good job
everyone thought
I was doing
but then
I thought
I really wasn't
because of the drugs
it had just seemed that way
to me